Queer as Muke

1.2.3 Queer, There and Everywhere

"Mr Hood?"

"Calum."

"Calum. I don't want you to think I'm shirking or anything but those boxes you wanted me to move are kinda heavy. Could you get one of the guys to help me?" Anna asks, smiling at her boss. 

"Yeah. Of course."

"Yes, your majesty."

"Huh?" Calum looks around with some annoyance at the sarcastic voice behind him.

It's the same check out assistant that had said the guy he had been watching during his conversation with Corey and Sam was a fag. She'd said it like it was a huge thing and had made her wrist limp to reiterate her point, making Calum laugh along with her which he'd hated. No-one knows he's gay here so what's he supposed to do? Laughing along at all the gay 'jokes' she makes is one way to deflect attention away from himself and the endless questions as to why a cute guy like him hasn't got a girlfriend.

"She's such a princess."

"Hey! Those boxes are heavy. There's nothing wrong with asking for help. I think she's kind of sweet actually."

"You think she's sweet? What about cute?"

"I guess she's cute..."

"She thinks you're cute too..."

"She does?"

"She likes you a lot, but she didn't know if you liked her so I said I'd find out." There's weird look on Marlene's face that should send Calum running for the hills but instead he freezes, not knowing what to say or how to act.

"So, you don't really think she's stuck up." Is that really the best he can come up with, he asks himself.

"No, she's lovely. You know, I've never heard you say anything about girls before. You like girls right?"

Calum's inner gay is screaming at him to come out but his brain is acting like an ostrich, wanting to find the nearest fire bucket and stick his head in it.

"Sure." Calum doesn't sound convincing, even to himself but Marlene doesn't seem to notice.

"So, you'll come with us, after work tonight, we're taking her out for a drink. No excuses, Shoeless Joe's tonight at seven. And do something about your hair!"

~~~

"It was a trap!" Calum complains to his friends. Glowering at no-one in particular, he does a set of sit ups, talking all the while. The gym is packed after work, with hot bodies everywhere but he doesn't see any of them, instead he chooses to wallow in self pity.

"Hey, see that number in the red shorts?" Corey indicates over his left shoulder for them both to see.

"I could never look like that in a million years." Sam comments, having trouble tearing his eyes away from the guy.

"Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I would say..."

"Sean Peters. Went home with him the other night thinking he was a big brutal top..." Corey lunges as he talks, swinging the weights in his hands and grinning as he recounts his story.

"And?" prompts Sam.

"And I fell for it!" Calum whinges.

"And it turns out he's a big nelly bottom!" Corey and Sam both burst out laughing.

"I could have told you that!" Sam sniggers.

"Ugh, it's so discouraging. Are there no real men left?"

"And they're expecting me to meet them..."

"Steroid City?"

"No, in this straight bar! Is there anyone listening to me?!" Calum turns around, exasperated at his two friends.

Sighing, Corey rolls his eyes and takes a breath.

"There's this new girl at work who's interested in you. Marley tricked you into meeting her and some of the others for a drink after work and now you have to go or they might suspect. Check out Mr Pec-deck," he indicates another hot man for Sam to look at and then, quick as a dime, turns his attention back to Calum. "So? What if they do?"

"They could fire him." Sam points out.

"Or I could end up as an assistant manager for the rest of my life."

"And the solution is to pretend you like pussy?" asks Corey disbelievingly.

"Look, he's not like you..."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Corey's voice goes up an octave.

"...meaning he's not an obviously gay man" Sam explains.

"Are you accusing me of being obvious?"

"If the fuck-me pump fits..."

Corey drops the weights he's holding to confront Sam, "I can be a real man if I wanted to."

Calum raises his eyebrows, turning around to hear better as Corey carries on, now this he has to hear.

"I can lower my voice, stop gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never never use words like fabulous or divine. Talk about, I dunno..." Corey surprises them both with a rather deep voice, "...nailing bitches but..." reverting to his normal, much higher voice, he raises his hands in the air dramatically,  "...I'd rather my flame burn bright than be a puny little pilot light."

"And a fabulous flame it is, but Calum is out there in the straight world and believe me it's not easy. You do what you have to do." Sam advises Calum, turning to him with a knowing look.

"I'd better go get changed."

~~~

"Luke did you hear me? I said you're not going."

Luke huffs as he riffles through his wardrobe, eyes critically and quickly scanning his clothes. He needs something that will make Michael really sit up and take notice.

"I'm going."

"You were just there last night."

"So what?" He pulls a shirt off its hanger, throwing it backwards, narrowly missing his mother and continues his hunt.

"So, I was going to take you out for pizza."

Liz is cut off by a pair of flying jeans nearly wrapping themselves around her head. Taking stock of the fact that Luke is barely listening to her and certainly hasn't noticed what he's chucking out, she rethinks her strategy.

"You know I expect you to clean up this mess. I just don't understand why you have to spend all your time with Chloe?"

Still no reply.

"Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I have brought you, do you have to wear something that no longer fits? That is too tight."

Packing the top into his bag, Luke finally looks up. "That's why."

Grabbing the bag he moves to leave the room and presumably the house.

"Luke!" Giving in, Liz looks at the young man her son has grown into without her realising. "Don't I get a kiss goodbye?" she asks, hardly daring to hope that he would honour their tradition.

As soon as his lips leave her cheek he's off and out of the room. 'I expect you to call!" Liz reminds him from the top of the stairs.

Bending over, picking up the clothes that Luke had discarded earlier, Liz straightens up, a puzzled look on her face with a pair of unfamiliar mens underwear in her hand, in a size that she knows isn't Luke's.