Queer as Muke

1.11.2 Surprise!

"How could you do that? How could you just lapse?" Corey asks Sam as they wait in the Doctor's office, trying to avoid eye contact with a full size skeleton in the corner.

"I wasn't thinking, there was no time to think," He replies quietly. He can't believe this is happening, to him, the most cautious of all of them.

"Well that's no excuse! I always have condoms, spermicidal lubricant..." Corey starts counting off on his fingers.

"...A bottle of hydrogen peroxide and witch hazel. That's great. So you're the same sex poster boy and I'm the happy hooker," Sam finishes irritably.

"I'm just saying you have to be careful..." Corey says mildly.

"Alright! Alright! Enough already!"

"I'm serious! If anything ever happened to you. You're too important to me..."

Sam can't look at him, he feels too stupid, but he does mutter, "Thanks Cor."

"Okay, let's roll up those sleeves!" The Doctor announces as he enters the room with a strong American accent. Corey's eyes nearly burst out of his head, he's gorgeous; tall, obviously works out with the most piercing blue eyes he's seen in a long time. "You're not a regular patient here are you?" The Doctor asks, looking at Corey with interest.

"He's not a regular anything," Sam comments.

"I'm just getting tested for moral support. I make it a point to get tested every six months which is silly really because most of my sex is cyber...ow!"

"How are you paying today?"

"Oh I'll pay by cheque with my address and phone number right on top," Corey flirts.

"Can we just do this?!" Sam interrupts.

"He's nervous," Corey whispers.

"I'll sure you'll be fine," The Doctor says as he's prepping Sam's arm to withdraw blood.

"That's what I told him!"

"Okay, we're all done! Now..."

"We wait," Sam says in a dead tone of voice.

~~~

"Sunshine, here take these on up to your room," Joy tells Luke as he enters the kitchen, passing him a couple of extra large boxes of tissues.

"My room!" Calum corrects, turning around from where he's helping to unpack groceries.

"Oh come on sweetie, back off, you're about to be thirty years old!"

"Soooo olddddd" Luke takes pleasure in mouthing to Calum as he walks past on his way out.

"What are those?" Joy asks as Calum puts a package down in front of his uncle who's sitting reading the paper.

"His meds!"

"I thought you just got some!"

"Those little bottles don't go far when you're popping fifty pills a day," Dave tells her.

"You're on your last refill," Calum reminds him.

"I'll call the Doctor."

"Speaking of Doctors..." Joy starts.

"That's a subtle segue," Calum says sarcastically. He's been waiting for his Mum to bring the subject up every since he walked in. "Look I don't want to discuss this, it doesn't concern you..."

"Oh no? I just lost a potential son in law!"

"All you lost was potential free treatment for osteoporosis!"

"Calum Thomas Hood!"

"Uh oh! Middle name! Look out!" Dave warns Calum, getting up to get out of the way of Mother and Son.

"You listen to me and you listen carefully!" Joy exclaims, placing both her hands on Calum's cheeks so he can't look away from her. "Do not fuck this up! I want you to call Stephen right now and apologise to him for whatever it is you did!"

"What makes you think I did anything?!"

"I'm your mother! I know everything!"

"Mum! Stephen and I had nothing in common except Pantene shampoo and conditioner in one and I had to give up my entire life! I couldn't see my friends, I couldn't go to clubs!"

"Good," Comments Dave, "Get out before they kick you out! Before you turn invisible."

"See! Listen to your Uncle! You want to be like him?! Oh you know what I mean!" Joy says, when Dave takes his glasses off to look at her. "In a few days you're not going to be a kid anymore, hanging out with Michael..."

"Why is it always Michael?!"

"You tell me! Stephen really cared for you, you could see it in his eyes! Couldn't you Dave?!"

"I don't know, I was too busy looking at his pecs and abs!!" Dave chortles.

"There'll be someone else!"

"There'll always be someone else but there won't be someone like Stephen every day," Joy points out quietly.

~~~

"Hello? Hello?" Stephen says into his phone, not hearing anything at the other end. He's still in work clothes, having got in a little later than usual. "Calum? I have caller i.d..."

"I must have pushed the wrong button," Calum says, his voice a little rough, disconnecting the phone call as he slithers down in his bed to stare at the ceiling.

~~~

"You've ruined my kids life!" Joy barks to Michael as soon as he opens his door to her.

"What no hello kiss?" He watches her storm into his apartment.

"I mean it! I remember the first time I heard your name. Calum said 'there's this new kid at school, Michael Clifford'. For weeks that's all he could take about, Michael Clifford this and Michael Clifford that. Next thing you're both cutting classes. And then I come home from work one day and I find the two of you, fourteen and drunk. It was then I knew you were trouble. And you haven't disappointed me a day since then!"

"Well, at least you can't accuse me of being inconsistent," Michael replies, stung more than he'd like by her words.

"Consistent heartbreak!"

"Come on Joy, you know I've looked after Cal..."

"I never said that you've not been there for him but you've been there too much! Always giving him those little tidbits of your affection to make him believe that someday you'd be his."

Michael shifts uncomfortably in his seat, "Well who knows? Maybe we'll end up a couple of old queens in Byron Bay."

"Only what's he supposed to do until then?" Joy points out. "He had a chance with Stephen but you had to fuck it up!"

"He wasn't having any fun," Michael says, trying to explain.

"He's had enough fun! You've all had enough fun! It's time for him to be a man!"

"And what do you want me to do about that?!" Michael asks, getting angry.

"I don't know! Something! You owe him something!" She shouts, brushing frustrated tears out of her eyes.

"Okay, I'll do something," Michael says, thinking. It's true, he hasn't played fair with Calum. He knows what he should do, but it's not going to be easy. "It's Cal's thirtieth birthday, he should have a party he never forgets...."