"Now, Miss Manners says 'always be sure to compliment the hostess'," Corey tells Calum, laying a napkin in his lap. Michael's dining table is fully set for a three course meal for four people. Glasses and silverware all laid out correctly.
"I am the hostess," Calum points out as he sits at the table by himself.
"And you look lovely," Chirps up Michael sarcastically from across the room where he's putting a new lamp together.
Corey glances at Michael, who turns back resolutely working on the lamp. He may have allowed everyone to come over here to help Calum out but he'll be damned if he's actually going to do anything to help Calum look good in front of Stephen's straight friends.
"Now, which fork is for the salad?" Corey asks, bending near to Calum who's looking at the array of cutlery in front of him.
"Go from the outside in," Advises Luke, who's perched high on a barstool looking down at what's going on.
"I thought you were studying for your Specialist Maths exam?" Asks Michael.
"I'm taking a break!" Luke objects, stopping texting for a moment to answer him.
"Well get back to work," Michael advises, looking over at him.
"Now where's your bread plate?" Asks Corey.
"On your left..." Luke says concentrating on his phone. Knowing, without looking at Calum, that he hasn't a clue.
"Water glass?"
"On your right..." Luke says, looking up to see both Calum and Corey looking at him exasperatedly. He smiles smugly back at them.
"Well," decides Calum after glaring at Luke, "As long as I only have salad, bread and water, I'll be okay."
"Alright now, topics of conversation..." Sam pipes up from his seat in the corner where he's been reclining with a magazine whilst Corey has been taking the etiquette lesson to this point.
"Stay clear of religion because you never know where anybody stands," Sam advises, sitting up to look over to Calum. "Avoid politics like the plague and, er, you should probably stay clear of the economy as well..." He adds, knowing that Calum hasn't the first clue about anything financial.
"He should have no trouble! Calpal's never talked about religion, politics or the market in his life!" Michael tells Sam.
"Well, what do I talk about?!" Calum says, stung by Michael's observation, even though it's true.
"Movies are always a safe bet if you want to appear current without sounding controversial," Luke suggests, still texting.
"I saw X-Men six times..." Calum offers after a moment's thought.
Luke sniggers and Sam actually snorts. "Yeah, somehow I suspect that won't wow the art house crowd," Sam says getting up. This is more difficult that he thought it was going to be.
"Look, you're making too big a deal out of this," advises Michael. "You show up, you talk, you eat." He switches his new lamp on before crossing the room to where Calum's sitting looking glumly at the table placings before him.
"But these are Stephen's best friends, I want to make a good impression!"
"You will!" Corey assures him, "You just have to remember a few simple rules! Utensils, outside in!"
"Don't talk about anything that matters..." Adds Sam.
"Don't talk with your mouth full..." Michael places his hands on Calum's shoulders, giving them a squeeze.
YOU ARE READING
Queer as Muke
Fanfiction"The thing you need to know is, it's all about sex. It's true. In fact they say men think about sex every twenty-eight seconds. Of course that's straight men. With gay men it's every nine." Twenty nine year old advertising executive Michael Cliffor...
