[2] not so fangirl ;; 1d

forty

Gue enggak tau lagi harus ngapain.

Gue terhempas dalam sekejap ke dalam jurang yang terus membuat gue menjerit minta tolong tapi jurang itu udah dalem, gue mau sekeras apapun gue meminta tolong enggak akan ada yang bisa nolongin gue; walaupun mereka mau.

Seketika semuanya terasa hampa.

Sekarang gue lagi duduk di atas kasur, menyandarkan tubuh gue pada dinding villa yang terbuat dari kayu. Kedua tangan gue melingkar di lutut, memeluknya erat dan menenggelamkan kepala gue di antara kedua kaki. Telapak tangan gue yang terasa dingin sekarang terasa kian menusuk seiring dengan dinginnya udara akibat pendingin ruangan yang entah bagaimana menjadi semakin dramatis sesaat setelah gue membaca akun itu.

Enggak ada lagi yang tertutupi; semuanya terekspos.

Oksigen pun rasanya enggan masuk ke dalam paru-paru gue, ada sebuah keinginan untuk meremas paru-paru gue agar ruangannya kosong; sampai-sampai oksigen kehabisan tempatnya hanya untuk sekedar singgah, membuat gue merasa tercekik dan akhirnya... mati.

Bangsat, bener-bener bangsat. Siapa yang berani-beraninya mengekspos semua itu?

Maria? Enggak mungkin, dikontrak enggak ada perjanjian semacam itu. Lagian, darimana juga mereka dapet video-video dari fans?

Gue pengen mati aja.

Bukan, bukannya gue enggak bersyukur dengan apa yang telah diberikan sama Tuhan saat ini; popularitas, uang yang sangat banyak sampai-sampai bisa ngerasain naik pesawat first class pake uang sendiri, karir yang bagus, deket sama idola, dapet support dari banyak orang mengenai depresi gue.

Tapi cacian dari seluruh dunia itu terlalu susah untuk dikendalikan apalagi diterima.

"But if you could die that easy, why are you alive? Trying to survive in this cruel world? Are you hoping that everything will be better sooner? If you could die that easy, what about those dreams that you haven't achieved? And even if you did something bad to those who hate you so much and they're hurting you and they're saying that you're not a good person or whatever it is. But don't you think that we're all humans and we all make mistakes? Don't you think about me? The one who has been there for you these years to support you and don't you think about how my feelings when I know that you have wasted all of my supports towards you?

"How are you supposed to walk for Victoria's Secret or a good writer who writes shits to make her readers cry all day long or even a popular lawyer if you were dead? And the haters? Don't you think that there will always be a group of people who hate you? Those people who always judge you no matter what you do is wrong or even right, you wouldn't be able to please anyone yet there are tons of people too who support you by this far to stand strong and achieve your dreams even your wildest dreams. You have achieved a lot actually when you were in high school. You've been there in writing national essays competition, national debating competition, being a model, good university, having a best friend like me. How could you don't realize it all? You can face this, I believe in you."

Seketika gue teringat runtunan kalimat yang Louis ucapkan ke gue beberapa bulan yang lalu, tapi menurut gue... this is too much.

Dalam sekejap itu pula seluruh dunia membicarakan gue, nama gue dilansir di majalah-majalah remaja, tersebar di berbagai web, muka gue terpampang di hampir seluruh stasiun televisi di Amerika dan Inggris, bahkan Indonesia.

I can't do this anymore.

"Avril," seseorang memanggil gue dari balik pintu.

Gue menggeleng pelan, masih menenggelamkan kepala gue di antara lutut. Gigi gue menggigit bibir, berusaha sekeras mungkin sampai-sampai rasanya sedikit sakit, berusaha sebisa mungkin agar tidak menyuarakan isakkan sedikit pun.