You can do it.
I breathed in the fresh air, as I stepped out of my house.
You're brave.
I walked down to the bus station to go to college. The roads were wet due to the heavy rain the previous night and the smell of asphalt after the rain was fresh as if the rain had only stopped minutes ago. I looked at my hands and took another long breath.
You will never lower yourself to please others.
The bus had reached the stop the same time I did and I got on, going for the first empty seat I could find.
A man will never define your self-worth.
I looked outside the window, the dried raindrops made the scenery outside, blurry.
Someone coughed beside me and I looked up. Harry. Of course it's him. "Yes?"
"You mind if I sit here?"
"I do mind, but I'm nice so sure, go ahead", I replied.
He looked baffled, his eyes big and confused, but he took the seat anyway.
"How is it you're riding the bus today?"
Because I'm not scared of you anymore.
I didn't reply.
He questioned again, "You usually walk to uni."
I shrugged, "I changed my mind."
He nodded, not quite understanding how so quickly I had just shrugged off his betrayal.
"Are you sure you're okay with me sitting here though, Y/N?"
This was the first time he called me by my name in months. It shocked me for a second, to hear my name come out of his mouth.
"I don't see how that's any of your concerns, Harry. I've already let you sit on the seat, if I was uncomfortable, I'd up and leave. I don't like surrounding myself with negativity anymore."
This hit him like a jab and he winced.
"I-"
I interrupted, "It's been and done. I don't care about past mistakes."
"Y/N", he sighed.
I looked at him and stared for long. He had changed. Not that I expected any less. I knew he had moved on long ago, but I didn't understand why he felt hurt by my words now. I had accepted his betrayal and let him go. I had let him ruin everything for me, yet he was behaving like he was the one going through a heartbreak. As if he was the one who would be up at 4 o' clock, crying because his self esteem was so low that even sleep didn't come to him. As if he was the one who'd starve himself or eat too much or look in the mirror and hate what they see. It hurt, because he didn't even feel a fraction of what I had been through those months when I had to deal with a break up alone, in a city I didn't know well enough and it hurt even more seeing him act like he was the victim.
"What is it, Harry? Last time you had called me by name, you told me you were leaving me for another girl. What is it going to be this time?"
"It's- it's not like that. I wanted to apologize for what I did, Y/N. If I could take it back, I really really would. I wanted to give you all my love and I'm sorry I couldn't."
"It's useless."
He looked confused with such a short reply.
"It's useless to say such things now. Months after everything went down, after everything became nothing. Your apology doesn't make a difference anymore. I've moved on, thankfully, for the better. I'm glad you left, Harry, because even your presence was toxic. You crushed me completely."
"W-what do you mean?", he asked.
I shook my head, "I mean that after you left, I realized being with you was never something good for me. With you, I got insecure and my self esteem had rock bottomed. Only months after you left I realized those things. And Harry? I don't care about those things anymore because I'm a better person now. On my own. I've realized only you can ever be there for yourself, everyone else is just out there to get you, except a few trusted people."
"You say it like everything we had never held any importance to you", he looked shocked by my confession.
"Everything we had was everything I had wanted it in a relationship except when things went downhill. You were never there for me by that point. When I needed you the most, you left me to fetch for myself. When I was at my weakest you left me for another girl. You know what that did to me? Did you ever stop for a second and think how it must have affected me? I was so fucking sad, Harry and I was so fucking sick of myself that I wanted to kill myself. Every dream I had ever had seemed so bleak that nothing seemed important enough to stay, until I decided it was enough. Until I let the past go and finally moved on. So, don't even for a second, think that what we had was not important to me because it meant more to me than anything, but that does not mean that the thing I loved the most was also a slow killer."
He remained silent for some time until our stop came. I got up and left, I didn't wait for him to come but he caught up to me once we were near the college doors.
"Y/N!", he yelled and I turned to look.
"I know it doesn't mean anything anymore and it just sucks to hear it over and over again, but I'm truly, incredibly sorry for how things ended and I wish I could take away the pain I caused you all this time, and I understand if you hate me but just know that with all my heart I want apologise for my wrong doings. You deserve better. Don't let anyone ever let you down again, like I did."
I stared and gave him a smile.
You are brave and beautiful and strong. No one can rule your life. You will always be good if you believe in the good within yourself. You deserve better. You deserve happiness and you deserve every good thing in life.
You are more than your past.
***
A/N:
Hi,
I only posted this because recently I had been getting a lot of comments on these imagines and I was just going through them and almost every note had an apology for wasting your time and I just want to say, that I'm not that person anymore. I'm proud of my writing and I know I can do better at it with practice. Things don't have to be the same. Change is constant and I have gained enough self esteem in the past couple of years to know that my writing is not half as bad as I would've said it was 5 years ago. This post was a reminder that, hardships come and go and you have to keep on going. Life keeps moving. Just be strong, "this too shall pass."
Thank you for reading.
No promises on updates. As I've said before, it's a completed story and I'm not taking any requests or writing anything.
Like/Comment
Love,
S x
