Songs for this chapter:
Bad Blood by Bastile
I See Fire by Ed Sheeran
Is There Somebody Who Can Watch You by The 1975
Antichrist By The 1975
I slammed the room door. Mad at myself. Why do I always like people so quick. If I just shut off all my emotions, and feelings, then I wouldn't have to feel like I'm not good enough for anyone. Damn, do I want to be good enough for Harry, but I know in my soul that's not going to happen. I'm just as fucked up as the next person is. I have to many issues. I don't like myself. Hell I hate myself.
Its not anyone's fault but mine, but I cant find were this bitterness came from. I feel as if a piece of my past is in the back of my mind, but cant remember any of it. I feel lost. I feel emotionally unstable. I am trained physically, mentally, and emotionally, by just my damn self.
I feel as I am a puzzle but missing that piece, to make me a complete person, and get on with my shit. I want to be happy, god I want to be happy. But every time I try to be I feel as if something is dragging me down causing me to become just as depressed I was when I was at my lowest, and believe me I had some very low moments in my life.
I regret all the the things I did in my life, and they say don't regret anything in your life, but here I am reminiscing everything I had done, and ashamed as hell. I am in the dark. I been in the darkness for so long. Walking around and looking for a light that was never fucking coming. That thing that always nagging me in the back of my head, never wanted any light, always wanted to be in the dark.
I'm scared. So fucking scared of what I am compatible of, and that scares the shit out of me. I don't know what I'll be in the future. That tugs my heart even further in the dark just thinking about Harry going to college, having a future, his wife, and kids giving him that smile that I love so much. I don't have anything to offer Harry, and that saddens me to the core.
I cant be this perfect beautiful girl, that makes his heart beat a thousand beats a minute, just by hearing her name. I am no model. I feel as if I am on this high pedestal, standing all slump, as I look down at everyone that is looking up at me honoring how wonderful I am, and some of them looking at me to become a better person a better me. I don't know if Harry's the one that is admiring me for who I am, or cringing at who I am.
I feel hot. I threw my shirt off my body, feeling the cold air crisp onto my skin. I took my paints off scathing all over my body. I am breathing so got damn hard, but it feels like there is no oxygen coming into my lungs. When I touch to rub my face it is stained with my tears. My pathetic tears might I add. Why am I so emotional. I kept breathing in and out trying not to be loud, but I know I couldn't help it. I hate myself. Fuck! I hate myself. When I say it I feel as if I feel better about myself, the irony. I don't want to breathe anymore I feel so unhappy with myself. My brain is dragging me further in the dark I feel so lost. I screamed so loud my throat felt like it was on fire.
Your nothing Yazmin, your a piece of shit that will go no where but in someones bed you whore, you fucking whore!
No fuck you!
Your so fucking dumb, nobody wants you, not even Harry, you stupid slut
Shut up ! Shut the fuck
You will never be nothing but a nasty whore, your used, that's all you'll ever be
My eyes blurred with my own tears as I threw all the things on my dresser on the floor. I didn't feel any better. I threw all my pillows on my floor from my bed. I hate this body. I scratched all over myself pulling on my hair. I pulled my curtain down as I kept yelling tell my throat was numb. My tears hiding all my vision. I kept destroying my room. I screamed, and screamed crying my eyes out. My body shaking. I felt a hand touch my shoulder bringing me from my mind before I self destruct. The touch felt like it was bringing light into my darkness, but my mind wouldn't have it.
"Yaz" The husky voice spoke behind me. All my senses seemed on fire just by that simple touch. I turned around seeing a very shocked Harry. His mouth agape as he looked into my eyes. I avoided them looking around the room.
"Leave" I spoke my voice cracking from all the yelling, I caused on my vocal cords. My voice didn't sound normal, it sound raspy, and broken. I looked up at Harry, irritated that he was still in my room. He looked scared as if he didn't know what to do. He looked around my room seeing it completely trashed.
"Yaz whats wrong" he mumbled still looking around the room. I saw a blonde spot by my door. Knowing it was Jay. I cringed I don't want him to see me like this. Harry turned around trying to look at whats having my attention.
"Jay, go in your room" Harry spoke looking at the blonde curly. I cringed once more looking down at myself.
"Harry leave please" I begged tears still falling down my red cheeks. I pulled on my hair shutting my eyes shut as I felt in internal pain. It was inside. The voices telling me I'm nothing, and that all I will ever be.
"Why you talk so loud" I screamed at myself. Causing Harry eyes to become bigger than they already were at this point.
"Yaz your scaring me, tell me whats wrong" He whispered. I yelled crying even more. I hate myself. So fucking much.
"I'm not good enough" I screamed at Harry. He came closer touching my shoulder.
"I don't understand" He tilted his head.
"You'll never understand no one will ever will, just go" I yelled pushing at his chest, crying even more.
"Don't block me out again Yaz" Harry eyes looking nothing but hurt. His face was so damn beautiful. Fuck. I looked at his pink lips, and cheeks his eyes wide.
"I wont leave not this time"
I am so undeserving, I don't deserve someone like him. Why does he have to be such an beautiful person. I shook my head.
"Harry leave please" I whimpered the voices becoming louder in my head.
YOUR NOTHING, YOUR SHIT HARRY WILL NEVER WANT SOMEONE LIKE YOU!
YOUR USELESS NOBODY WILL EVER WANT YOU!
I shut my eyes tightly pulling on my hair. Harry came up to me and pulled his arms around me, pulling me into him, which I fell effortlessly into. His hands on my back rubbing back in forth as he whispered sh's,and its alright's. I breathed in his scent, feeling I could only breath smelling his scent. I closed my eyes feeling the voices becoming silent. He is my clarity to my sanity. I will never want to be free from his grasp. Not ever. I closed my eyes relaxing into his chest.
No words
- A R T I E
YOU ARE READING
My Brother's Babysitter (Harry Styles Fanfic)
Fanfiction"My biggest fear is that eventually you will see me the way I see myself" This book contains: sexual assault, sexual content, profanity,and drug abuse.
