Thank You.. (Aaron x Reader) SLOW UPDATES!

A/N

I'm sorry I promise this will be the last one and I will update soon after this. I am kinda forcing myself to update since I updated my other story and I don't wanna leave my passion for writing to just disappear.

So..

How do I even explain this?..

I want my mind to rest. It keeps getting filled with headaches, thoughts and memories that I don't want to remember.

Thoughts like..

What if I never became friends with G?

He and I would never have become so close like this..

It just kinda shocks me when I see him, by my side, just.. Talking and finally being his friend after knowing him since forever.

From someone I hated to someone I love.

It's ironic really that he's my best friend, my 3rd grade self would probably never believed he and I are friends.

But..

What if he never become my friend?

I don't think I would be here where I am right now.

He made such an impact in my world that..

I keep getting scared he'll just walk away from me and find whatever reason to just hate me.

I keep hearing and reading about people who have been best friends since childhood suddenly becoming like strangers.

And it just scares me.

What if he turns his back on me and finds new friends?

It's just stupid thoughts.

Then there are memories I don't want to remember.

I keep constantly remembering the day my mom found out I self harmed.

I was scared and I didn't feel ready to tell her anything. All I wanted to do was run to my room and be alone. I felt pressured and scared that she wouldn't understand.

When she said "I'm not going to be mad."

It just gave me a bit of hope that maybe she'll understand.

But that drastically changed when she started yelling and saying stuff I didn't want to hear at all..

I'm sure she meant good and just didn't want me to cut but..

That talk only made me feel worse than what I was feeling before that talk.

My self confidence was already low but, if it's possible I felt like it went lower.

Just like right now..

I can't feel proud of myself,

I can't find anything good about myself,

All I can think about myself are negative things.

Even if people compliment or say good things about me. It just doesn't work for some reason. I just feel like they aren't true.

I hate myself for not letting go of this memory.

I want to, but it always eats me up whenever I'm in my best mood.

At school..

In the classroom where I sometimes doodle or stare off into space and remember that.

Where I also put my head down or put my head in my jacket to calm myself down.

Even when I'm talking to her I just sometimes space out and remember that.

She let it go so..

Why haven't I?

And I swear to god, I'm gonna win the award of having the most heartaches.

Even right now when I was writing about that memory, my heart starting aching.

It sometimes makes me cry,

Knowing that my mom won't understand what I'm feeling.

I hate having to force a smile and pretend to be good just so she won't spot anything.

I hate that I'm just a sensitive brat.

And I'm slowly starting to lose hope..

My determination and hope just suddenly are disappearing.

I'm not fighting any of the thoughts anymore and instead,

Letting it break me.

Crying out loud when I'm home alone and just my feelings and emotions out while I feel out of control.

I keep doing what I don't want to do anymore because I think I given up.

And slowly..

I don't think I'll last as long as I thought.

Heh..

If only there was a switch where I could pull to erase everyone's thoughts that knew or knows me.

That way no one would get hurt

Except me.

Because I'm done.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.

It's slowly breaking me without me noticing and now..

It's done enough damage that I'm becoming numb and going insane.

What I told G was only of the throwing up.

Not anything else..

Maybe I should,

But I don't think it's good anymore.

And..

I wonder what happens after someone dies.

Is it beautiful? Is it like hell?

Does God actually exist? I somewhat believe in God since my family believes in him. But I don't know, maybe he is real.

Maybe not.

But I know that I'm this close to giving up.

I can't handle it anymore.

Anyways,

I'll update soon so except that in a few minutes or hours! ^^