By Chance

Chapter Fifty

Hindi ako makaimik, pakiramdam ko rin ay biglang sumikip ang dibdib ko habang nakatingin lamang ako sa mga kamay ko. The thought of Blaster, Crystal and me inside one room just felt too suffocating. Pakiramdam ko anytime sasabog na ang dibdib ko.

But, still, I need to try. I mean, maybe it's worth the shot—to fix everything between the three of us. Para naman makakawala na kami sa sari-sarili naming nakaraan.

To start anew.

"Cassandra," he called, and it almost sounded like life touching death, like how flowers can bloom although they've withered already. My heart started to beat erratically when he held my hand. Nakayuko pa rin ako. "I'm sorry."

"Sobrang dami kong kasalanan sa'yo, and I couldn't even recall how many times I've hurt you, way back when we're still together. Every time I remember kung paano ka umiyak, kung paano ka lumaban para sa'ting dalawa, it just felt too painful. I neglected your love for a lot of times, or maybe I thought of myself so highly, that every time I cause you pain, I'd just remember how you'll come back to me if I beg." I looked at him for a split-second and saw how his tears started to fall down from his eyes.

"I realized you deserve my explanation, but maybe I don't deserve you already," he said, and every word that escaped from his lips were like daggers that stabbed me on my chest. The pain is shattering me, almost to pieces, pero hindi ako makapagsalita. It was as if the pain is hindering me to think of possible words to say.

Sinubukan kong tumingin kay Blaster, natawa dahil pareho kaming umiiyak, halos hindi mapigil ang damdamin ng isa't-isa. Ngumiti si Blaster, hinahayaan lang ang pagdaloy ng luha mula sa mga mata niya, nakahawak pa rin ang mga kamay niya sa kaliwang kamay ko.

"If only I could have just loved you the way you deserved to be loved," he uttered, finally wiping off the tears that fell from the corners of his eyes.

I chewed on my lower lip, trying to think, and finally, I gathered all the possible words that I could ever think of, "It hurt, Blaster," I said. "Sobra, and until now, the thought of me loving you untiringly just keeps on shattering me when I could have just loved myself the way I deserved to be loved."

Napapikit ako habang hinahayaan lang ang sarili kong humikbi. After all these years, the pain still feels unbearable, na araw-araw pakiramdam ko, tuwing gumigising ako, parang kahapon lang nangyari ang lahat.

"It felt like I was the worst person to ever exist..."

"N-no. Don't say that," Blaster murmured, holding my hand tightly. I smiled at him.

"Blaster hanggang ngayon masakit pa rin. You know how much I wanted to die, and how much I just wanted to leave dahil sobrang sakit. I did so many mistakes, pero alam ko namang hindi ko deserve lahat ng 'to. I tried everything to work us out, pero bakit gano'n pa rin ang kinalabasan? Pakiramdam ko hindi ko deserve na mahalin." I could feel the sting, the pain of my words as they escape my lips. The way they slowly cut my heart, piercing through my soul--the pain still felt unbearable. It felt like my life was depending on my heaving breathing as my chest feels tighter and tighter.

"But, at some point lahat naman tayo nagkamali," sambit ko, slowly removing my hand from his hands, finally realizing that I should be telling this to him, finally having the courage to fight for myself.

I wiped my tears away, "At nagkamali ako na minahal kita."

Daggers. Knives. They suddenly turned into words, slowly killing the both of us.

I saw how pain and guilt registered in his bloodshot eyes, the way his chest moves up and down dahil sa malalalim na paghinga niya. We were enveloped with nothing but our sobs, and maybe if we could only hear--maybe we could even hear both of our hearts breaking. I didn't even notice that I wasn't even breathing already.