Recapturing You [RCS#1]

Chapter 29

A Change

I broke down on the soft rug placed in front of my bed. Sapo ko ang noo habang nakaub-ob sa aking tuhod.

Alone in this empty, four-walled room, I savored the bitter taste of grief. Mas nanuot sa'kin ang isiping mag-isa na nga talaga ako. All of them left me already. Mabuti sana kung umalis lang sila Mommy patungong ibang bansa, puwedi ko pa silang habulin at kitain kung kailan ko gugustuhin.

'Yon nga lang, sa ibang lugar sila nagtungo. Sa lugar na kahit ilang bus ang sakyan ko, kahit ilang eroplano pa ang maghatid sa'kin, hinding-hindi ko sila matutunton.

I cried my heart out silently, hoping for the pain to subside. My shoulders trembled and my knees felt so weak. Inangat ko ang mukha para sana pahiran ang basa kong pisngi ngunit umawang ang mga labi ko nang maaninag si Hrothgar na nakahalf-seat sa harapan ko, matiim akong pinagmamasdan. Halos mahigit ko ang hininga. I didn't hear the door opened! Hindi ko rin narinig ang kanyang mga yabag. How did he freakin' walk?

In spite of the dark shade of his eyes, there was still soft gleam of carefulness reflecting. Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi at yumuko para hindi niya makita ang aking mukha. I don't want him to see how vulnerable I am right now. Hindi ko gustong isipin niyang nagpapaawa ako para balikan niya. Wala na sa'kin 'yon, kaya kong solohin itong problema ko nang hindi nangsasali ng iba. Lalong-lalo na siya.

Inangat niya ang baba ko at pinahiran ang aking pisngi gamit ang hinlalaki. Imbis na tumigil sa pag-iyak, tila naging dahilan pa iyon upang sunud-sunod na lumandas ang mainit na likido mula sa aking mata.

Ang hikbi ko ang nagtulak sa kanya upang baklasin ang mga braso kong nakapatong sa aking tuhod. Inilipat niya iyon sa kanyang batok saka sinikop ang magkabila kong binti at inangat ako. Tumayo siya na pangko-pangko ako. Gulat ako ngunit wala nang panahon pa para pumiglas.

He sat on the edge of the bed, so I straddled him. He began rubbing my back gently, his other hand was at the same time stroking my hair. I ducked my head on his shoulder, trying to hide the sounds of my cries.

"Dem, I didn't know... I'm so sorry for not being there while you were grieving for your Mom's death. I'm sorry for being an asshole..." he whispered in my ear, his voice was soft as a cotton and as light as a feather.

He sounded like he was extremely careful not to add up the burden in my chest.

My sobs intensified, never in my whole entire life did I cry this much. For years, I've been practicing to mourn silently. It felt like I didn't have the right to cry my heart out because I was at fault for everything that happened.

He hushed the chaos in me but it wasn't enough to completely stop my sobs.

"Kung alam ko lang... kung alam ko lang na pati si Mommy mawawala sa'kin, ako na dapat ang nag-alaga sa kanya. Even if she kept pushing me away, even if she wanted to hurt me... even if she looked at me with so much rage in her eyes, I should've not been swayed. I could've seized the last moments with her only if I were just strong enough."

'Di ko na nakayanan ang mas matinding damdamin. He pulled me off from dipping on his shoulder so he could see my face. I looked away because I didn't want him to watch me in this state.

He wiped the tears again. Umiling ako at kinagat ang ibabang labi.

"A-Ang dami-dami kong pinagsisisihan. Kung hindi lang sana matigas ang ulo ko, hindi kami nawasak nang ganito."

"Shh... stop blaming yourself. I don't know everything that happened to you but I know you are not the one at fault, Dem. I'm certain that behind your actions are hefty reasons. People... aren't just too comprehensive... and I'm sadly one of them, I'm sorry." he muttered with so much sincerity.