Recapturing You [RCS#1]

Chapter 26

Straight line of life

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin lumulubog sa utak ko ang ibinilita sa akin ni Calvin. Ni hindi ko na naisip pang bumaba para mag-dinner, mukhang hindi na rin ako dadalawin pa ng gutom. Nangingibabaw ang sakit sa pusong nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Nagsisisi akong hindi ko siya binisita nang madalas. Her tantrums every time she saw me should've not become reasons to hinder myself from checking on her. I could've been more understanding and enduring. Nagpadala na naman ako sa takot ko. Habam-buhay ko na lang bang pagsisisihan ang bawat desisyon ko sa buhay? Why did I feel like my life-journey was but a total mess?

Nanginginig pa ang kamay ko nang tawagan ko si Benny para ipaalam ditong hindi ako makakapasok sa trabaho sa loob ng ilang araw. I just didn't want to go without her knowing my case. Sinabi ko ang lahat-lahat sa kaibigan at naramdaman ko ang totoong pagdamay niya sa hinanakit ko.

"I will surely pray for her fast recovery, Dem. Everything's gonna be fine, okay? Tatagan mo ang loob mo. Mom's going to be okay, hmm? You need to strengthen your faith."

Tumango-tango ako at pinahid ang luha. Kanina pa ako nakaupo sa silya, tulala habang nakikinig kay Benny. Halos hindi na rin pumapasok sa tainga ko ang ibang sinasabi ng kaibigan. My brain couldn't just function well.

Akala ko 'yong pagkawala ni Daddy at ni Lily ang kahuli-hulihang beses na makakaranas ako ng ganitong klaseng sakit, takot, at pangamba. Ngunit mali ako. May bagong dating na naman na siyang magpapasakit sa'kin nang husto. Sana ay makayanan ko pa rin 'to. I did not have the right to question the Maker why He was making me suffer this bad, I just wish that He'd give me enough strength to deal with this terrible milestone in my life once again.

Muling tumulo ang hilam na luha sa aking mata, pinipigilan ko ang sunud-sunod na hikbi dahil ayokong mag-alala pa si Benny.

"Dem," she called me worriedly.

I cleared my throat and hugged my knees.

"I will... a-alam ko namang magiging ayos siya. I know that she can definitely do it, right, Benny? Hindi niya ako iiwan..." I sounded like convincing myself.

Unlike before, Lily was there to hold out my hand and squeeze it, enough to let me know that she was by my side. When she embarked this world, I had no choice but to embrace myself alone. I could not think of any other factors why I went through this hell. Clearly, all of this was all because of me.

"Yes, Demmie, she has to fight hard because she loves you. She won't leave you, tahan na..." pagpapakalma ni Benny sa'kin.

Kanina pa siya nagpupumilit na puntahan ako pero nanatili akong tumatanggi. Ayokong makaabala pa at gusto ko ring mapag-isa muna ngayon. Ayos na sa'king malamang kung anuman ang mangyari, nariyan si Benny sa likuran ko at nakahandang umalalay sa'kin. Sa totoo lang, ayoko ring lumabas ngayon sa kuwarto. I didn't want Hrothgar to see me this way because he might think that I was only trying to get his sympathy. Hindi ko na ulit pa hahayaan ang sariling umasa pa sa kanya.

"Yes, she loves me..." It wasn't again for her. It was for myself.

"Hindi ko ititigil ang pagsahod sa'yo kahit na hindi ka pumasok sa trabaho. You need to be with her, okay?"

Mabilis akong umiling.

"No, you don't need to do this, Benny. It's going to be unfair-"

"Tulong ko sa'yo ito, Demmie. Please, don't refrain me from giving you a hand. You are my dearest friend and I just can't let you experience this problem without me assisting you."

Buong gabi akong hindi natulog. I thought that even sleeping pills would never help me sleep. I was immensely worried for my mother.

The next morning, my eyes felt sore. My nose and cheeks were both red. My eyelashes were still misty and the torment in my heart was displayed through my haywired hair. Itim din ang ilalim ng mga mata ko sa kakulangan ng tulog.