Angel

Chapter 28

"C-Can I s-see him?" Dean tried to be strong, to be strong for his baby, to be strong for Cas.

"Yes, right this way." Maria led Dean down the all-too-familiar hallways and halted at room 221. Dean didn't want to look at Castiel but he didn't want his last memories to be seeing Castiel in pain.

"I-I'll give you guys a second."

"Thanks, S-Sammy." Dean forced his best smile and patted his brothers back. A tear fell from Sam's cheek before he took his eyes off of Dean's.

"Are you sure-"

"Yes, no, I don't know." Maira nodded and left, she too was crying because of how Dean and Cas must have loved each other. Dean sat down and was so far successfully holding back the tears, it was getting harder by the second each time he would look at Cas just laying there. The machines dead beside him, him dead, Dean dying by the second, part of Sam dying. It all isn't fair, it's not fair. It's not fucking fair.

"C-C...Cas-" Dean couldn't do it anymore, he let the tears fall which just turned out to be a sob. His eyes stung, his face was hot, his heart was broken.

"Y-You always promised you would fix me, you s-said you wouldn't give u-up on me. I want to kill myself for n-not talking to you for t-three fucking months, I could have been with y-you. I could have been with you!" Dean broke down again, he couldn't stop it no matter how hard he'd try. Sam watched from the window and started crying harder seeing what was going on in there. "I let you down, I l-let you die. I c-caused this Cas, if I h-hadn't...if I just wouldn't fuck up once. I c-could still have you here with me, in my arms l-like it use to be. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." Dean took Castiel's hand and put it up to his face and kept crying.

"Dean?" Sam crouched in front of his brother.

"I can't Sammy, I can't go on without him. He was my life, my every fucking thing."

"I...I know. He told you you could do it without him, don't give up just because he's gone."

"What else am I suppose to do? All I can do is look at him and feel guilt and regret and-and feel every bit of bad. Castiel didn't deserve this! I did, I did! I fucked up, I fucked up so bad. If I just didn't..." Dean dug his face into his brothers chest getting his plaid shirt soaked with his salty tears.

"It's fine, i-it's okay." The sniffling and sobs began to quiet down.

"Is there anybody I can call?" Maria stood in the doorway wiping her eyes but smudging her makeup in the process.

"N-No, he only had us." Sam answered for Dean.

"Okay, I'm really sorry. I wish he was still here, you must have loved him so much. I feel guilty just looking at he two of you and then at Jimmy. I want to be able to do something but I can't and I'm so very sorry." Maria wiped another tear before leaving and closing the door behind her.

"He's gone, Sammy. I did this, I let them get him, it's all my f-fault."

"You know that Cas would disagree with you on that. He said to you 'When I die I'll die but I'll die happily know that I'm with you.' Cas went happily, he was with you. That's all he wanted at that point, to just have been with you."

"I can't look, I don't want to believe this. I don't want to see him dead. I loved him. I love him so much Sammy."

"I don't know what to say Dean. I don't want Cas gone either, we have to keep going. I-" The room fell silent. Sam eventually passed out in a chair. Dean stayed awake for hours more, he hadn't slept for the past twenty-two hours and he was definitely feeling sleep coming on but he didn't want to go, Dean knew he wouldn't be able to feel Cas for much longer, he wanted to be awake for every moment.