Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 6: You Want What You Want

I meet up with Logan for dinner that evening.

"So, what happened with that one guy?" Logan asks.

"What guy?" I repeat.

"Mr. Awkward," he answers.

I wish I hadn't described Gabe to Logan like that, especially because I don't necessarily consider awkward to be an appalling thing. I've gotten used to Logan asking about Gabe though there is rarely anything to say about that. He does know that for some reason I notice Gabe sometimes. I don't know why exactly. I choose not tell Logan that I saw him earlier just so he won't read anything into it.

"His name is Gabe," I remind him.

"You would know," replies Logan.

"He is just a guy I tutor," I say.

"Teaching him a few things, were you? I'm sure he has a thing or two to teach as well," says Logan.

"You did not just say that," I respond.

"What? I saw you talking to him the other day at the gym remember? There's something there," Logan insists.

"Or we simply ended up working out at the only gym at this school," I state.

"He's cute. Not like OMG hot but you know. Like you haven't noticed," Logan tells me.

"I don't see him like a piece of meat if that's what you mean," I defend myself.

"I bet he works out a lot," Logan guesses.

"Every day," as soon as I say it, I wish I hadn't.

Logan gives me a look, "Really?"

"What? It's not my fault I just happen to notice," I say.

"Oh, of course not," Logan replies, "Don't worry. I get it. Off limits for reasons apparently still unknown to you. Understood."

"There's nothing going on," I say, "We talk sometimes and other times its weird because the atmosphere is so serious. I can't read him but then again nothing's happened and nothing is going to happen so it doesn't matter."

"Sweet Amelia, the fact that you say that means you've thought about it. If you've considered it, well that means I'm not so wrong, am I?" Logan asks.

"I don't know what it is about him," I say.

"You like him," states Logan.

"Not how you think. He seems-"

"Strong, well built, like exactly what you want?" he guesses.

"I don't know how to describe it," I admit.

"Say it any which way you want, nobody believes you," Logan tells me.

"I thought you and Tash were rooting for Trevor," I say, "I do like Trevor but honestly, I don't get what he sees in me," I admit.

"What are you talking about? You're a catch," Logan replies.

"So is he if you haven't noticed," I respond.

"Then get together already. You know for someone as intelligent, you can be pretty naïve. You're afraid of your feelings and you shouldn't be," Logan says.

"I think I've learned to embrace my feelings," I say.

"Oh really? And your feelings for Gabe are?" Logan wonders.

"Nonexistent," I answer.

"Take it from someone who knows," says Logan, "You like what you like, you want what you want, and you are who you are. Don't fight it Millie. You're afraid of getting involved with anyone that you think could hurt you, but you know what? Everyone is."

"Maybe I'm just tired of it," I say.

"Of what? Life? You're twenty. You're not allowed to be tired. Millie relationships can be scary, but not all guys want to use you. Preston was a jerk."

"Leave Preston out of it. This has nothing to do with him," I say.

"Have you heard from him?" Logan asks.

"I heard his wedding was called off. Apparently, the bride to be changed her mind," I answer.

"Wow. Good for her," says Logan, "Bad for you though, that means he'll be lonely and looking for someone to make him feel better."

"Thanks for believing I'll buy whatever story he spins this time," I tell Logan.

"I didn't say that, but I know he tempts you," Logan tells me, "That makes lines blurry."

"Well, I haven't heard from him which I'm glad about," I respond, "When he calls, and messages, and stops by for visits, it's always whenever he feels like it. On his terms. I'm not going down that road again."

"Agreed," says Logan.

"I just don't think I'm ready to feel for someone what I felt for Preston," I confess.

"It'll happen. Trust me. Sooner than you think. I think it may be happening and you don't even know it," observes Logan.

"I'm completely okay if it doesn't. Really."

I am. Really.

"Greg invited me to a family thing." Logan changes the subject.

"Meeting the family already? That means things are working out with you guys," I conclude.

"They are," Logan says.

"Good. I like you two together," I say.

"Me too," he agrees.

"Does that mean you're going to introduce him to your family too?" I ask.

Logan hesitates, "I don't know."

"Your mom will like him. Then again, she's the nicest to everyone," I say, "Zoe too."

"We'll see," Logan responds.

"You know, you look happy. They'll see it, and they'll accept him," I explain.

"Maybe," Logan isn't too sure.

"If they don't, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them," I remind Logan, "It's up to you to show them who you are Lo."

We both know I'm talking about his dad.

"Even when he's already made up his mind?" he asks.

"Live your life and those that care about you will be with you through all of it. Whoever doesn't see how amazing you are is missing out," I say.

"Deep down, I know you're right. Yet, on the surface-"

"It still hurts," I finish his sentence.

"You've seen it," he adds.

"Lo, for what it's worth, I admire you," I say.

"Why?" he asks me.

"Because you're unwilling to be anybody but yourself and that takes courage," I answer.

What I don't say is that I have yet to be courageous.