Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 51: Reminders

Sleep never comes. At home, I sit on the floor of the room staring at My Wall. That's what I call it now. The only wall with a name. It's covered in white flashcards I put up many months ago. Words and phrases written out in red sharpie so they'd stand out. One by one I go over each card. Each phrase. Remembering that every single one had a purpose. I think back to the day I put these up using push pins. I needed reminders of the fact that life goes on and I had to find a way to do the same. Every day that I see those words on my wall, I'm reminded of how low I've been and how far I've come. I've spent countless days and nights reading them over and over again. Repeating the words to myself. One by one I go through them. Hoping they would stick. Hoping I would believe them.

Don't stay angry. Ever.

Apologize.

Forgive.

Don't stay hung up on the things you can't change.

Love.

Trust.

Smile.

Joke.

Be happy. If you aren't, try again.

Have faith.

It's okay to mess up.

If it will help you more than it will hurt you, do it.

Laugh at every plan that falls apart.

Don't be afraid of failing or succeeding.

Make mistakes but learn from them.

I rest my arms on my knees while holding the hospital bracelet in my hand. I remember not wanting to let it go. I look at the inside my left wrist. The single letter visible: J. I rub my thumb over it, like it will do something other than make me feel better.

At work the next morning I find myself constantly checking my phone, counting down the time until I'm off. Preston asks me over that evening to talk and I agree to meet him. Though once there, my thoughts are of everything except us two. When he asks about it, I make up a headache and say it's been a long day. I also use that as an excuse to end the night early. Preston seems content knowing we're okay and doesn't ask anything else. He's never been one to pry and I like that about him. I like that when I say things are fine, he believes it. Even if they aren't.

Once home, I park in our driveway but don't get out of the car. I sit and am alone with my thoughts. In my peripheral vision I see my neighbors are also just getting home. The two and their young son who can't be more than three go inside their apartment. I consider what their life is like. Is it harder balancing work, school and family time? Is it easier because they know exactly why they get up every morning and what is it they're working towards? I sigh. This family I have never met but see from time to time, makes me wonder. How different would things be? Knowing rest won't come easy later tonight, I almost drag my feet up the stairs and into the apartment where Tash is ready to leave for a bonfire at the beach.

"You're back early," she observes.

"That's funny. It felt like a long day," I answer.

"We've all had those," she replies.

"Yup...Did you and Lo settle your argument?" I act oblivious. Only because I don't want to start a conversation like the one I already had with Logan.

"That traitor. He just has to be a guy," she replies.

"Well, I mean he can't help it Tash, it's what he is," I say.

"Yeah, yeah," she responds.

"Is he still picking you up?" I ask.

"He's lucky I'm still taking him, after he went and pissed me off," Tash responds.

"Technically, he's taking you," I correct.

"Whatever."

The way I see it I have two options. Stay home, pretending to be 'productive' when I'm really just stuck in my own head or go with them because at least then I may be distracted.

"Do you mind if I tag along?" I ask.

"Really? Why?" Tash questions

"Why not?" What I'm really thinking is I don't want to be home. Or alone. When all I'll be doing is replaying things in my head like it could change anything.