Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 40: Excuses

A few days later, I have a disagreement with Tash at the grocery store of all places.

"You're what?" Tash asks.

"I'm quitting the restaurant," I say.

"You have rent and bills to pay," she reminds me.

"I know that," I reply, "I will find another job but I can't just leave them waiting for me to go back when the only thing I've been able to do is sit in a classroom. I don't even participate, most of the time I don't even know what's being said or what chapter I'm supposed to be reading."

"You make all these excuses," Tash tell me.

"Tash, I feel like I can barely function," I say, "Just going through even just everyday motions is so draining."

"I got you this job," she responds.

"I know," I say," and "I'm sorry. I can't do it right now."

"It will get easier," she explains.

"How do you know?" I ask, "I don't even know. What I do know is that the sun sets and I can't sleep. It rises and I don't want to leave my bed. I'm in conversations I can't even recall hours later. I have no idea how I'll finish the semester let alone anything else. I go through the motions but every single thing is hard.

I push the shopping cart, using it more like a shield than anything else, and follow Tash around since she has the list of what we need. She asks my opinion a few times which I uncaringly give. I mostly people watch, thankful the store is not too busy. We end up in the alcohol aisle which I instinctively begin going passed. Tash pulls the cart into the aisle instead.

"Is this a necessity?" I question.

Tash places a wine bottle in the cart. She eyes it as if deciding against it. Then adds two more.

"Before you make assumptions, we're sharing these," Tash explains.

"Who is 'we?" I ask.

"You and I," she answers.

"I don't-"

"See here's the thing," Tash starts, "You are way too wound up. We need to fix that."

We need to fix me?

"Why?" I wonder out loud.

"You need to learn to relax Amelia and I'm going to help you. We'll start with these. We also need vodka and while we're at it we're low on beer too."

"Tash really?"

"Just watch the cart, I'll get it," she replies, "After what you just told me, you need my help more than I thought."

How to I tell her? That I was never interested. Then I associated it with guys acting stupid. Now, it's the memory of the what I can't get away from. A threatening mouth that put pressed itself onto places it wasn't wanted. The heavy, labored breaths that accompanied it. His need for control. The bruises his hands left on my wrists to prove it. Those I made sure nobody saw. Long sleeves and cardigans did the trick. Of all the things I've had to do, hiding bruises was easy.

"Hello?" Tash waves he hands in front of me.

"Yes?" I ask.

"I said I have tonight off," Tash repeats.

"That's great," I say.

"We should invite Lo over."

"For what?" I ask her.

"I think we could use his opinion," she responds.

"I don't," I reply, "I love Logan but what I do will not be decided by either of you."