Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 18: Girl Talk

I wait for Tash the next day so I can get advice about my situation with Gabe.

"So, the wait continues huh?" Tash asks.

"For now," I answer.

"Can't say I'm not disappointed. I wanted details," she continues.

"Wow. Great pep talk Tash," I reply.

"Do you want my honest opinion?" she asks.

"No, I want you to lie to me," I answer sarcastically.

"You are overthinking this," she responds.

"No I'm not. I need something before taking things further," I tell her.

"Birth control?" she wonders.

What?

"No," I answer.

"Lingerie?" her next guess.

"No. Stop guessing," I say.

"Okay. What?"

"Assurance. I feel myself becoming more and more invested in him," I admit, "and I don't want to be just some girl."

"Millie, I know that. I'm not blind," Tash responds, "Did you tell him the other part yet?"

"What part?" I ask.

"Come on Millie, that you love him," she answers.

"Tash, that would be insane," I say.

"Yes, it is. It's also true," she insists.

"This could be something casual to him. Gabe said that was what he did before we got together or his type at least. And honestly that itself is a number that I can't even begin to think about," I tell her.

"Agreed. Don't think about that number, you'll drive yourself insane," Tash says, "and that might be his type, but it isn't yours, so you'll have find a middle ground. Or you'll both have to move on and I don't think either of you want that."

"I don't know," I confess.

"Don't do it. Simple enough right? Or do if you're fine with that being case. Have a fling, keep it casual. Be a little wild for once," she instructs.

"That's not going to work for me," I state.

"Why not?"

"Because I-" I start.

"Because you what?" she asks.

"Don't get me wrong, I know he's not perfect. He's human just like the rest of us, definitely not without flaw but sometimes he doesn't seem real," I say.

"Well he is very real. Right? When he stands in front of a mirror he has a reflection. When you touch him, your hand doesn't go right through him," she jokes.

"I just want to not fear the outcome, whether it be good or bad. I have to know that I will be okay with whatever happens after the fact," I respond.

"None of us can tell the future Millie. We just live. To be young and in love...It's a blessing and a curse darling. To feel that you can give yourself to another in every possible way is the most amazing thing but, in the process, you give someone else the power to potentially hurt you if they so choose. It's terrifying and thrilling," Tash replies.

"You know what I'm scared of? Him leaving. Realizing I am just another girl. Right now, I don't think I could handle that. I'd completely fall apart and I know that makes me sound crazy, and far too attached because I obviously am," I say.

"I highly doubt he'd do that," she says.

"Why? It could happen. It happens all the time," I explain.

"Not to you."

"Not me yet," I correct.

"You're too smart for that," Tash notes.

"That has nothing to do with it. Smart people get played," I say.

"From what I've seen, Gabe looks at you like he can't wait to push you up against a wall and have his way with you."

"Tash!" I respond.

"What? You can have sex, but you can't talk about it?" Tash asks, "What's the fun in that? Well actually it's fun either way if the guy is not a total asshole."

"Do you have to be so-"

"Honest? Yes, and calm down. Gabe also looks like he'll never get enough of you. Not just your body, everything else too," she motions her finger from my head to my feet.

I roll my eyes.

She continues, "He looks at you the way you look at him."

"So I want to push him up against the wall?" I ask.

Tash laughs.

"Is that what you're saying?" I question, "because that doesn't help me at all."

"Millie you should totally do that," Tash says, "and then tell me about it."

"Why do you always want details?" I ask, "I never ask about you and Sean and I don't want to know."

"I like sharing ideas. Sue me," she says.

Ideas. That's all I have in my head. They are clearly driving me crazy.

"What if I'm wrong? What if I'm just caught up in the excitement of having him? Of having someone that makes me feel special. I'm not willing to risk it right now," I tell Tash.

"Amelia you have to trust yourself," Tash replies, "Trust that you will know when the right guy comes along. Now, I think it's him. I say this because I've only seen Gabriel maybe a handful of times but I know he looks at you like you're the most incredible thing he's ever seen."

I let her words sink in.

"That's how I feel," I say it almost as a whisper.

"That is my point girl. I think you both want the same thing but it's easier to act like you don't see it," Tash tells me, "Another thing that might help you would be go shopping for a few things. Just in case you decide to let your guard down. Maybe something a little on the sexy side. It can't hurt to have some options. Maybe it will give you some confidence. Might make it more fun?"

"I can't talk to when you're like this," I say.

"Millie?"

"Not listening," I start walking out the room.

"Amelia?"

"What?" I turn back.

"Seriously though, we can make a day of it, or not. Just let me know."

In all fairness I probably shouldn't be rejecting the tips Tash is attempting to give me. On the other hand, if I decide to browse, I can do that on my own.

"I'll consider it," I tell her, "Thanks."