Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 25: Fathers

"Hi Amelia, it's Mom. Again. I was hoping to catch you before you went to class. I miss you. Call me when you have a minute to check in. Love you, bye."

I listen to mom's voicemail. She sounds sad. I am too. We've never not talked for this long. Almost immediately after I get a message from Connor: Can we have lunch today?

My response: That's quite a distance to travel for lunch.

Connor's reply: I'll come there. Does noon work for you?

Apparently, the distance is not a problem.

My answer: Sure.

Connor has never asked me to lunch. I can only assume he wants to discuss Mom.

He shows up at 11:30am and skips the hellos.

"I know I'm early. You've seen me drive. I can't help it," he says.

"I expected it, I'm ready," I reply.

"Do you want to pick the restaurant or do I?" he asks.

"I think I know a place we'll both like," I answer.

It isn't until we're sitting at a table that Connor starts talking.

"How's school?" Connor asks.

"Good," I answer.

"And the boyfriend?"

"He's fine," I reply.

"And you?" he asks.

"Fine also," I answer, "How's work?"

"Stressful, but good," Connor answers.

"Well alright then, now can we get to the real reason you drove hours for a lunch?" I ask.

"She misses you. We all do," he says.

"I miss you all too," I say, "You know what I don't miss? Every opportunity she's had to tell me the truth but didn't."

"She wanted to protect you. You'll understand when you're a parent," Connor explains.

"That's such a cop out," I reply.

"You'll understand then what it's like to love somebody more than you love yourself," he continues.

"I do know what it's like. I loved Mom when she was all I had. I loved her more than I loved myself. I still do. That's why I don't understand," I tell him.

"Your mother told me about your father one time before we got married. She never brought him again and I respected that," Connor tells me.

"You aren't the one she owed an explanation to," I say.

"I found him," Connor says.

"You found him? He wasn't lost," I say.

"What do you want to know?" Connor asks.

"Why did you look for him?" I ask.

"I wanted to know who I'd be dealing with if he ever deciding to show up," Connor explains.

"Well he didn't," I state.

"I have everything the investigator I hired could find on him. There's pictures, info on his family, his address, phone number. It's in my car and yours if you want it," he explains.

"Mom hides him for twenty years and then sent you to give me intel on him? I ask.

"Mom doesn't know," Connor answers.

"Why not?" I ask.

"She told me when we met that he was out of your lives and she meant it. When he decided not be in your lives she decided that he wouldn't exist in hers."

"Mom really never bothered to find out what became of him?" I question.

"She didn't. Look if you want answers on what happened between your mother and father, your mom has them. He obviously would have his own version of events. If you want to know about his life, some of that is in my car. If you want to know what that means for you, nobody can help you. That is something you decide for yourself," he says.

"Will I be disappointed with what I find?" I ask.

"I don't know. He could be a completely different person now," Connor reasons.

"A completely different person that still knows he has a kid somewhere he never bothered to find?" I ask.

"This is one of those moments when you decide if what you have is enough or if you need more," Connor says, "You have a mom, a dad and a brother. You didn't choose it, but you have a family. We will support whatever you decide."

"I don't think mom will support it if I want to go find him," I say.

"Is that what you want?" he asks.

"I don't know," I answer.

"Your mom has been your number one supporter in everything you have done and everything you will ever do. She'll manage," he replies.

"I don't even know if I would want to actually meet him. I can't think of anything I want to say him or that I want to hear from him. I don't even respect him as a person. He is nothing to me," I tell Connor.

"It's up to you, I'm only here because I wanted to give you the option. I will respect whatever you decide and so will your mother. We will all live with whatever happens," he says.

Before he leaves Connor gives me the information he has on my father. I believe him. I think Connor really wants it to be my choice. I stare at the manila folders filled with the other family I'm related to. It isn't two minutes before they end up on a shelf in my closet, unopened.