Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 17: Limits

Between my morning classes, afternoon work shifts, volunteering at the university counseling center, Gabe's evening classes and retail schedule our time together has been very limited. I'm an early bird while Gabriel is a night owl. That makes it even trickier to coordinate schedule. Some days I only see him a few minutes in passing and it is so much less that what I wish I had with him. Usually the weekend is our best bet. That following week Gabe and I have a scary movie night at my place because he's convinced I'm really missing out on some good ones. Like predicted, I end up watching through my fingers most of the time. The only reason I even agreed to it, is because I see it as a kind of controlled fear which I figure can't really hurt. We're on the couch, I lean on Gabe and his arm is around me. I glance up at him and just watch him with his eyes on the screen. A minute later I'm covering my eyes and I hear him laugh.

"Don't worry. It isn't real," he whispers in my ear.

"Doesn't mean it isn't very well done," I reply.

"Just in case you don't believe me," he holds me tighter against him.

"You love this don't you? Me being all freaked out," I say.

"Why would you think that?" he questions.

"When I can't sleep later, I'm waking you up to have someone to talk to because it is so not fair," I say.

A little part of me hates that I love being so close to him. This all feels so new because it is. I push away guys. That, I'm good at. Not that there have been many that have come around. Mostly one other before Gabe and it's been over a year since I've talked to him. What I have no clue how to do is actually have a relationship with one. Staring up at him I can't stop myself from reaching up and kissing him. His lips meet mine and every other thought disappears. All except one. This is the first time we have the apartment to ourselves since we became a couple. And that I don't expect Tash back tonight. His kisses start off soft. I assume that's because I've surprised him. Maybe I shouldn't have. It feels almost like I'm asking for permission which he obviously grants me with a playful smile. His fingers are quickly in my hair, then he guides me back until I'm lying on the couch. All I can think is that I love the way he makes me feel. I forget. I forget how much I usually overthink things. How every decision I make I think through at least five times from every possible angle. That doesn't happen when I'm around Gabriel. I forget to be cautious. I don't think. I know. I was scared. That feeling goes away when he's around now. Gabriel wakes me up. I want more. More him. More us. Then I remember that I am me and slow is key to my pretty much everything I do.

I feel his hands reach under my shirt and I know he's not thinking straight.

"Gabe?" I say.

"Mmhm?" he responds.

As good as his touch feels, I don't want to give him the wrong idea. I don't things to go too far.

"Gabriel?" I say louder this time.

"Yeah?" his breath feels warm on my neck.

"Maybe we should stop," I tell him.

He doesn't.

I push him away just enough to see his eyes, "Gabriel."

"What is it?" Gabriel asks.

I touch his face. My finger run down his cheek until my thumb rests on his chin. I breathe in and out.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Slow down," I say.

"What?" Gabriel looks confused.

"Not yet," I add.

The next thing I see is Gabe off the couch and standing. I sit up trying to collect my own thoughts.