Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 29: Disagree

"Are you excited?" I ask Gabriel.

"I guess," Gabe answers.

"Hey, it's a weekend with your friends camping. Try to enjoy it."

"Come with us," he says for the fiftieth time.

"I've been slacking and can't afford to get more behind. Plus, tables don't wait on themselves you know," I know I sound like I'm making excuses. Maybe I am.

"You could have taken the days off or switched shifts. You just didn't want to," Gabriel tells me.

"Please don't make me feel guilty," I say even though we both know he's right. I didn't want to go.

"I thought it would be fun," he says, "My friends-"

"And us," I complete his sentence, "You told me."

"Sometimes I wish..." Gabriel doesn't finish his thought.

"You wish what?" I ask.

"Never mind," he replies.

"Gabriel? What?" I question him. This is what drives me crazy when I talk to Gabe. He has thoughts and won't share. Does he expect me to guess them?

"That you weren't so responsible. Okay?" he answers, "That you wouldn't over think things so much. That every now and then you just wanted to have experiences."

"My thinking things through, keeps me out of trouble," I reply.

"It stops you from doing things you might really enjoy in the process," he reasons.

"Sometimes it does. You think I don't know. Seems like a small price to pay," I respond.

"At what cost? You lose out on experiences that you should be having. Is it worth it?" Gabe asks.

"I can't just do the bare minimum to get by. I've had to work hard to get here, you might not get it. Your parents have careers. My mom didn't, and I watched her kill herself at every job just to put food on the table. So yes, I take my education and work seriously."

"Well we can't all be perfect like you, can we?" Gabe asks.

"Don't put words in my mouth," I tell him.

"It's what you're thinking right? Look, we aren't going to be young forever," he says.

"What do you want me to say? I'm sorry I didn't jump at the chance to go. It's not that simple," I say.

"Yes, it is Amelia. It's not complicated. Sometimes you need to just let yourself live and not worry about what the future brings because it can be taken from you at any moment," he explains.

"Why do you want me to feel like I'm running out of time?" I wonder.

"Because you are," Gabe answers.

"Yes, I weigh the consequences of my actions? This isn't new. Why do you act so surprised? I'm not going okay?"

"Don't you want to do things with me Millie?" Gabe asks.

All I want to do is say yes. The truth is I want everything with Gabriel but in time.

"Not this," is my reply.

I'll admit it. For a second, I wished I had said yes. I didn't.

"You'll be back in a couple days," I say calmly, "Maybe next week we can-"

"I picked up extra hours," he interrupts.

"At the store? I didn't know you wanted to add hours," I say.

"I'm telling you now," he answers.

"You want to work more?" I ask.

"I asked to," he responds.

"Well, we'll find some time before or after. We will make a schedule if we have to and plan our dates. I do want to spend time with you, we need to get organized is all," I say.

"Organized? I'm looking for less of that," he responds.

"What does that mean?" I ask, "You're fine not having time for me? You'll be busier, and I'm trying to balance two jobs, classes and volunteering. When do you suppose we'll have time?" I ask.

There's no response.

"Answer the question Gabe," I say.

"I'll call you when I'm in town again," he replies.

I guess there's my answer.

"I hate that when I don't behave the way you want, you think you can't be bothered," I respond.

Nobody makes me feel insignificant like Gabe does. I hate that.

"There's things I hate too Millie, but I don't feel the need to say them all," he states.

"Maybe there'll be a fun girl in your group and you can finally stop holding that against me," I comment.

"I want you to be the fun girl," Gabriel tells me.

"You want to date a fun girl and I want an honest guy. See how wishing gets you nowhere?" I explain.

"Look," he says, "We'll figure it out."

Like right now, there are days I don't know where Gabriel and I stand. This is why I said no.