Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 34: Wake Up

I hear a voice, "Amelia?"

Then I hear it again, "Amelia!"

I look up at Tash staring at me.

"What's going on in there?" she points to her head, meaning mine.

"Nothing," I say.

"You sure?"

"Yes," I lie. Something I keep doing.

"Well, you've been sitting there for almost an hour. Just staring at the wall. Haven't said a word. What's up?"

She looks at me expecting a reply but instead of answering, my mind goes back to last night. Charlie holding my wrists so tight I thought he might break them, using all his force to pin me down. The disgusting feeling when he whispered in my ear. I smell his breath when he kissed me. The smile on his face when I realized I wouldn't get away. I immediately put my hands over my face and try to erase the memory out of my mind.

"What are you-" Tash starts.

I feel sick. I run past her to the bathroom and start throwing up. Tash follows. I fall to my knees. She tries to help me keep my balance and hold back my hair, but I wave her off. I wouldn't be able to handle someone hands on me right now. Not when all I can think about is what he did to me. When I finally stop, I put the seat lid down and flush. I don't bother trying to stand. Still kneeling on the floor, I get some toilet paper to wipe my face and hands. I focus on breathing many times before I have the energy to get back on my feet. I brush my teeth as quick as possible before throwing water on my face and patting it dry. The whole time knowing that one: it is a stall tactic and the two: something I hope will help me feel better. Tash waits in the room.

"I don't feel like talking Tash," I say.

"Why not? If you can't tell me and I'm your best friend, who can you tell? she asks.

I consider what she just asked. The answer: nobody.

"I mean this in the nicest way possible, can you please leave me alone?" I beg.

"You're pregnant, aren't you?" she accuses.

"No," I answer.

"Thank God, because this would not be ideal timing," she tells me.

"I'm very aware," I reply.

"You had me freaking out there for a moment," she tells me.

"Don't worry, that's not what-I'm not," I say.

"Okay, good," the relief in her voice is obvious.

"I must have eaten something that did not sit well with me," I claim.

"Well that makes much more sense," she responds.

Whatever will get her off my case.

"Hey, do you and Gabe wanna go out with Sean and me later? We're going-"

"I have plans," another lie.

"Oh. Okay. Well, maybe next time," she replies.

"Maybe."

After she leaves, I look out the window. I watch as the colors in the sky change. I stay there until I am distracted by voices. I look down at my phone which reads 6:01pm. The day is almost over. It also shows two missed calls from Gabriel. I don't even consider returning them. I end up on a spot on the floor, sitting against the wall. I lean my head on my knees and cry because I have to let out what I have inside. I don't sleep that night. I just am so many things. Scared. Enraged. Exhausted. Confused. Alone. I know I have to face reality but as long as I don't, I can almost act like it never happened. Maybe this was horrible nightmare and I'll wake up any minute. Maybe this is all in my head? Maybe none of it happened. I try to will myself to wake up? I shut my eyes and focus all my energy on it. This isn't happening. None if it was real. It's all in your head. You need to wake up! Wake up Amelia! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! Please, wake up. I open my eyes, knowing it won't happen. I can't pretend. I have to tell. No matter how much I want to hide it, my conscious won't let me keep quiet. Sleep never comes. I give up trying.

Sunday morning, I again have no intention of seeing anybody or leaving the room. Around noon Tash wakes up and comes to find me.

"Are we still doing lunch with Lo?" she asks.

Tell her! It's just the two of you! Say something!

"I think I'm going to pass. I have so much to do today."

The lies are coming out easier now. What are you doing Amelia?

"Like what?" she questions, "You're always ahead on your work. Just get dressed. I'm going to jump in the shower real quick."

Logan shows up half an hour later.

"What do you mean you're out? It was your idea," he says.

"Right?" Tash adds.

"Sorry, I'm just not feeling up to it. I think I caught a bug or something," I lie.

A bug? Really? Stop lying! Say it!

"Can I ask why you're ignoring us?" Tash questions.

"I'm not ignoring anyone. I just want some space," I answer.

"Why?" she asks.

I don't answer her.

"I know how to convince you," she adds.

"You won't. Go have fun...or don't. I really don't care," which is really what I'm thinking.

"What is with you?" Tash asks.

My phone rings and I walk over to it, using it as an excuse to get out of this conversation. Gabe's picture is on the screen and I don't answer.

"What? Are you ignoring him too?" she adds.

"Tash what part don't you get? If I wanted to talk to you I would. Other people's lives are not your business," I tell her.

"Fine. Do whatever you want. I'm done trying," she says.

Good.

Tash walks out. Logan doesn't.

"You're wasting your time too. Didn't you hear? Apparently, I'm losing my mind," I tell him.

Lo ignores the sarcasm in my voice. He looks at me and I could swear he's reading my mind.

"I know she's frustrated," I say.

"She'll get over it," he replies.

"Tell her not to worry. There's nothing she can do," I continue.

"About what?" he asks.

"Me," I answer.

"You're not giving us a lot to go on here...but you know that. Don't you Millie?" I know he's as confused as Tash, but he doesn't question me further, "You forget that our relationship isn't like yours with Tash. I don't have to ask you questions. It's been that way since day one. Remember? You and I both know, the things you can't say out loud, the thoughts you won't share with anyone are the most dangerous ones. If you can't even say it, I know it's bad. We're here. When you change your mind and I hope you do. No questions. All ears."

This is why I love Logan so much. Because he knows how to get his point across without me feeling pressured to talk. I feel guilty for not confiding in him right now.

I nod in reply and he walks out.