Flashcards On The Wall

Chapter 33: Run

I walk in the apartment long before the sun comes up. Thinking Tash was with Sean, I don't bother trying to be quiet. I look around and everything is exactly how I left it. The pan I used the day before and forgot to wash in the sink. A package Tash ordered that had been left at the front door is still on the counter unopened. Tash's heels that she tried to convince me to wear in the hallway. I head straight to the bathroom. Locking the door, I begin undressing. I end up sitting in the tub, letting the water coming out of the shower head hit me. I scrub myself until my skin aches. It's red and blotchy but still doesn't feel clean enough. I repeat the process until I lose track of the number of times. Eventually I stop knowing nothing will help me feel clean and just let myself cry. I replay everything from last night and this morning in my head. What am I going to do? Should I tell someone? No. I can't. Nobody can know. Can I hide this? Who would I tell? What would happen if I do? Everyone would know. Would they believe me? I would get questions. They would judge me. What would they say? What would they do? Who would believe me? What will be the consequences if I do? If I don't? Would anyone believe me? Would they make up their own version of what happened? I lose track of how long I'm in there until Tash knocks on the door. I freeze.

"Amelia?"

How long has she been home? What does she want?

"Millie?" she calls out.

"Yeah?" I answer.

"You okay in there?" she asks.

"I'll be out soon," I respond.

"Are you sick or something?"

"No," I answer.

"Okay. Just checking."

A short while later I'm in my room having just changed into new clothes. I take the clothes I had worn and try to fit it into the small trash can next to the desk; it barely does. I'll have to buy Tash replacements. Tash knocks on the door and then lets herself in.

"Hey, you," she says, "What are you doing?"

I say the most obvious thing, "Just standing here," though I know that answer won't suffice.

"At this hour. Are you, crazy?"

"It's not that early," I say.

We both look at the clock on the wall.

"That says 5:37. In the morning. That's not early?" Tash asks.

"What are you, my guard now?" I ask.

"You don't have to snap at me. I assumed there was a reason for you waking me up," she states.

"I didn't know you were home. Sorry," I walk out of the room, trach in hand.

"Where are you going?" Tash asks.

In the kitchen I find a plastic bag and empty the trash can into it.

"What are you doing?" Tash continues he interrogation.

"Nothing," I say and take it outside to the garbage bin. The further it is from me the better. I would never wear that outfit again anyways and I certainly wouldn't let Tash walk around in it either.

Because this is Tash we are talking about, she is still waiting for me when I return.

"What was all that about?"

"Do you mind?" I move past her to get to my room.

"Do I mind? Yes, I mind?" she follows me and sits on the bed, watching me as if waiting for me to keep talking.