blackpink oneshots

it's not about you - jensoo

hello! quick disclaimer, this oneshot involves self harm and suicidal thoughts so if that certain topics trigger you, please don't read this. also, if you do suffer or go through what is written here, (i wrote this based on what i go through and i know you guys may, too) please don't be afraid to reach out to people you trust or feel comfortable with, and if you don't have that, feel free to reach out to me, via here (wattpad) or twitter @/chaengsies. i don't want any of you guys to feel alone or be stuck in a dark place. please know there's always light at the end of the tunnel no matter how long that tunnel may be. we'll get through this together, alright? i love you, never forget that. <3

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you're tired. tired of everything. tired of waking up in the morning just to go live and breathe and everything else a normal human person would do on a regular day. but every day isn't regular for you. you aren't a normal person. you struggle on almost everything that happens that most of the time you wish to just vanish in thin air. to be popped like a bubble floating in the wind. you wish to just disappear and reappear only when everything's finally okay. but deep down you know, that would never happen.

--

it's one of those nights where you've been crying for more than two hours. your eyes are red and puffy and your nose is tinted with a light shade of pink. you have no idea why you started crying, it just happened – like everything else. you've been questioning and struggling for years and years, putting on a mask for everyone to see. to see the you that they always wanted to see, not the you that they needed to see. you're perfect in their eyes. flawless. beautiful.

you never saw that, though. to you, you were always a failure. you're ugly. digusting. full of flaws. and an overall disappointment that no one deserves to love.

you find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel that people always tell you. it was like the tunnel never ends or the rain never stops. you needed to get rid of this struggle. the pain it's causing, it's too much.

crouching down to your bedside table, you pull out a small box which was hidden at the very bottom of the drawers. you hold it in your hands thinking about how many times you've already done this. you know you're friends would kill you if they knew, but in all honesty, that'd probably better. it'd speed things up for you. the box was shiny– a former jewelery box that your late grandmother gave you when you were a little tot running around the house. you were so happy then, what happened now?

that's a question you have no idea what the answer is to, either.

you stand up and walk over to the bathroom. turning the lights on, you set the small box by the corner of the sink as you face the mirror hung up on the wall in front of you. you hated seeing your reflection. it makes you feel weaker than you already are. it lets you see all the things and details you hate about yourself. and with each passing second, it just makes you hate yourself even more.

you need to release all this hate.

you reached for the box once again, opening it. you pull out a razor blade, familiar to the touch, quite fitting between your index finger and thumb. it somehow felt like home, no matter how brutal it may seem.

you close your eyes and take a deep breath.

just one slash, jennie. one quick slash and it'll be okay.

no. it won't be okay. you're making everything worse. you're getting addicted to the feeling and you know if you don't stop now, you'll never be able to.

but you don't listen.

you do what you just told yourself. your self–the one in pain. the one who couldn't just be trapped in their own darkness. and for some reason, this was the only way that could make you feel lighter. and less weight put onto your shoulders.