TOUR [ H.S ]

48. San Jose.

POSTING THIS NEW CHAPTER TWO DAYS EARLIER,YOU ARE MOST WELCOME.

Harry:

"So Mr Styles,how have you been feeling these past few weeks since our last appointment?"

"Um..i think the medication is helping me but i still tend to overthink a lot at night even when i'm exhausted." I answered him and he nodded,writing some information down on his notepad.

Incase you were wondering,i finally got myself a professional therapist.It wasn't just the news that made me realise i needed therapy,deep down i knew i wasn't mentally okay.I was very aware of the fact that i had anger issues,anxiety & according to my therapist,i had a mild case of depression.The news about the baby made my anxiety struck harder than ever so Jeff suggested that i should see a therapist,privately of course.

I haven't communicated with Katie in almost 2 weeks now,well we do text but it was only sometimes.I would ask her how she is and she would just give me one worded answers,she had every right to be mad at me.I said some things that i shouldn't have ever said to her,it broke my heart the moment i heard her say that i turned out to be just like her dad.

I know how hard it must be,especially for her.Katie went through a shit ton with her Dad and she expected me to be the last to ever end like him.I regret it,i really miss her.Deep down,i'm still not ready to raise this baby and after all the therapy sessions-i'm fucking angry.I'm angry that even with professional help,i still don't feel ready just yet.I wanted to know why i felt this way and that is why today i am sitting with Doctor Aiden.

"Now you mentioned to me via Skype that you wanted to ask me something,what is that regarding?" asked Doctor Aiden, "Oh yea,um it's regarding my girlfriend actually.." i answered and he nodded,listening to me very carefully.

"Please do tell me Mr Styles." He said and i slowly nodded.

"My girlfriend is uhm actually pregnant-today i am finally admitting to myself that i am coward.I said words that i knew deep down would really hurt her or perhaps scar her,i really regret it.Due to those reasons,we haven't really been socialising because i needed to just be by myself and not look at her without feeling like i'm a failure.Now that i got some help recently,i've been realising lots of things.I am terrified..terrified of not being a good enough father,terrified that the world will come crashing down on Katie.Being a singer is not sunshine and rainbows doctor,it's living with constant fear every minute you walk out the door or being called names by people whom you've never met before.I don't think i can live properly seeing absolute strangers bash my girlfriend up with their words especially when they find out about our child." I explained to him as tears started to form in my eyes,Aiden was paying attention to every word i was saying and that made me feel a whole lot better.

"Where is your girlfriend now Mr Styles?" he asked and a wave of sadness had suddenly hit me.

"I-i sent her back home,she's with my sister now. She didn't tell me but i've been calling my mom to find out about her so there's that.." i told him the truth,feeling extremely guilty for what i had done.

"Why haven't you called her?" i leaned back against my chair,sighing out frustratingly.

"Because she said don't bother looking for her if i'm not ready,but i love her.I love her so much and there hasn't been a day where i don't think of her or our child..i just want to know why i'm not ready to raise this child." I explained to him frustratedly and he nodded slowly,writing more information down in his notes.

"Alright i'm going to tell you a few things that i've analysed while you were explaining to me okay?" He said and i nodded.

"You suffer with bad anxiety.When you talk about the things that make you feel guilty or bad,you stay feeling that way.I haven't heard you said one good thing about what you think could happen for you in the future."

Well fuck.

"Secondly,you also have slight separation issues but i don't blame you for that because i know how difficult timing gets especially since you're travelling around.When you talk about your mother or your girlfriend,your hands start to fidget and you stutter a little bit.Whenever you mention their names,your whole face changes.Your eyes get watery without you even realising it.You are so used to being with your girlfriend for months and the moment she isn't by your side,your whole mind shuts down and you are just not used to it." He explained to me and i frowned at his words.

I never knew i was dealing with separation issues but now that he had said it,it seemed true.I was so used to constantly having Kat around and the moment she left,i felt alone and have had several breakdowns alone after shows and even before them.

"Lastly,you are ready to raise a baby.However the negative part of your mind is telling you otherwise, it's making you think that you'll be a terrible father or a bad boyfriend.A part of you also feels afraid of what is about to come,opinions from the public eye, reactions from fans,not living your life to the fullest and etc.But believe me,it is completely normal for anyone to feel scared but you shouldn't let it consume you.I spoke to your manager Jeffrey and he said that you have a natural father instinct,you wanna know why? It's because you grew up taking care of your mom and even your sister when she didn't have a husband.You gotta admit to yourself Mr Styles,you adore kids and they make you happy." i just stared at him in disbelief.

It was so refreshing to just sit down with someone after such a long day of work,i felt less alone because at least somebody understood how i felt.A part of me agrees that i adore kids,i've always had a soft spot for babies in general.I mean,I've been taking care of Lux since the day she was born and all my fans would say that i had a fatherly instinct as well.Maybe i just never expected to have my own child so quickly but i have to stop putting the blame on others and start to just understand things better.

"Right now,you may feel very unprepared and scared but the moment u come to agreement with yourself and focus on the good of all of this..it won't be so bad anymore.The reason why you are also having anxiety now is because you feel guilty for what you had done to your girlfriend Katie,you know you made a mistake.Mr Styles,you need to stop thinking too far ahead of the future.You're making up unnecessary scenarios and eventually you'll only disappoint yourself." Explained Aiden and i bit my lip nervously,everything he was saying is so true.

I've always had this bad habit of thinking too far ahead and disappointing myself when things don't go as planned,i have to stop expecting things.

"You gotta ask yourself now,are you willing to accept your mistakes too and raise this baby of yours? Or are you just going to leave your girlfriend alone with your family and watch her raise the baby by herself ?" Asked Aiden and my breath hitched the moment i thought about Kat raising the baby alone.

I could never do that to her,i loved her too much.
The baby is too innocent and he or she needs a father,i had to step up this time and really stop overthinking about what obstacles are about to come.

"I'm accepting my mistakes." I said to him softly and Aiden nodded his head,sending me a small smile.

"And my baby."