Powerless

44. I lost my best friend

I spent the whole next day crying my eyes out. I could see how upset Logan was seeing me like this. I couldn't help it. I had told my best friend I had hated him. I just... I just wanted him to understand. How could Roman understand if he didn't even know? Now he's gone for good. I hurt him. I actually hurt him. I... 

There was a knock on the door and I frowned. Part of me begged it was Roman. Part of me wanted to curl up and die. Even if it were Roman I was still divided. I couldn't decide if I wanted him to come back and chew me out for hurting him the way I did or tell me he forgave me. Why would he forgive me if he didn't understand? I knew... I knew I would hurt him. My dreams... Every night they tell me the same damn thing. I have mental strain. I have... I'm a damn basketcase waiting to happen. I always was. I narrowed my eyes noticing the knocking had stopped and I looked up to see Logan standing there with Patton beside him. Patton... I should have known. He must have come here instead of Roman. After all, they dorm together. I could see this look of horror in his eyes and I couldn't stop myself from laughing. I would be horrified too. 

"K-Kiddo?" I just resumed staring at the ground as his voice cracked. I couldn't care anymore. All I'd do if hurt them all. Words hurt the most, you know? And lies are the worst. Liars... are the worst. I... I-I am the worst.

"He's been like this since Roman left." I could her Logan try to explain and I scoffed.

"No, I haven't. I'm fine." I felt someone's hand take mine and I looked up to see Patton on the verge of tears. Like I said... I'd just hurt them all. I pulled my hands away and he frowned looking back at Logan for some help.

"Caz, you should tell them." Patton's eyes narrowed in confusion and I shook my head. "Caz..."

"No." I cut him off and I could see his eyes darken. I knew he was just worried for me. He cared. I knew he did but...

"Tell me what?" I frowned seeing Patton's worry only grow. "What don't I know?"

"Nothing. It's nothing Patton." His eyes narrowed and I frowned. Logan sighed as he sat beside me.

"He won't judge you." I frowned as Logan took my hand. He rubbed his thumb in circles over my hand as a way to calm me. "You know Patton. Do you really think he would just abandon you?"

"Yes." I whispered out but I knew Patton still heard it. He gasped and I cringed. I wanted to hide. 

"Patton, don't..." I looked up to see Patton moments from crying and I started to curl up into myself. I hurt them. That's all I do. I hurt them with the lies I tell. "...he's lying." Patton's eyes narrowed and I punched Logan's arm lightly.

"What happened to not telling them?" I groaned out and Logan's eyes went dark. His expression went neutral and for the first time ever and shuddered under his gaze.

"You said you wouldn't tell. I never stated I wouldn't. They need to know. You're beating yourself up of something you can't control." I looked away and I could hear him sigh. "Caz..." 

"You'll just do it anyway right?" I didn't look back over at him. I was upset. I knew why he was doing it. I wasn't upset at that. I was just... upset. 

"Cassidy here..." My body reacted before I even understood. I had my necklace in my hands, there was this burst of energy... All I could think of was how I wanted Logan to shut up and suddenly Logan was silenced. I looked over to see him covering own mouth and I freaked. Did I do that? I didn't...

"I'm not sorry." His eyes narrowed as he slowly dropped his hand and sighed. "I know how that happened... I was thinking... I was... was... fuck!" I fell to my knees gripping my hair so tightly I was already getting a headache. Patton was on his knees in front of me within seconds. He carefully pulled my hands from my hair and placed them in my lap. "I can... I c-can... One time. Why can't I tell the truth one god damn time?" 

"Kiddo?" I looked up to see Patton frowning and I wanted to burst into tears. I jumped into him so fast I don't think he even had time to react. I was a sobbing mess. I didn't even realize I had any tears to cry anymore. "Cassidy, please tell me what going on with you." I could only point to Logan. Patton's eyes narrowed and Logan sighed.

"So I can say it now." I made no effort to move. I just clung to the man that showed me more kindness then even my own parents have. "Cassidy has mental strain." I went stiff hearing him say that out loud. And I do mean stiff. I could not move at all. My entire body was frozen under the fear that I will lose or hurt everyone I care about. Patton wrapped his arms around me tightly and I shook. "He can't control what he says in a sense. He's... He can't help it..." Patton seemed to hold me close as if reassuring he would not let me. "He can't control whether or not he's lying."

"I'm never lying..." I whispered and Patton tensed a bit. "I'm... I'm always truthful." My voice cracked as I tried to pull away but Patton just held me close.

"What happened when Roman was here?" I wanted to scream. I knew Patton had come because of that. I knew... But like I said part of me wanted to curl up and die. I didn't want to be reminded of it.

"There was a misunderstanding, Roman got upset." Logan was trying his best to explain. I just wanted to sleep. "Caz was trying to get him to calm down but it was hard. He had to watch what he was saying otherwise he would end up lying..." Patton finally let go enough for me to pull away and I could see the pain in his eyes. I just pushed myself away enough so that he didn't have to feel obligated to try and help. "But Roman he was too upset. Caz just couldn't talk to him the way he expected and it hurt him."

"But that wouldn't have..."

"It wasn't." Logan quickly stated cutting Patton off. I just pulled my knees in hugging them close to my chest as Patton shot me this concerned look. "Caz, he... He just... He snapped."

"I just... he needed to... Just one time." I whispered catching their attention. I was shaking like a leaf stuck in a whirlwind. "Just one moment of truth..."

"He tried to tell Roman he cared. He tried to tell Roman he..." Logan's voice cracked a bit and he looked away. "That he loved him." He cleared his throat and I frowned. "But it came out wrong. Roman just wouldn't stay to let me explain.

"W-what... What did he say?" I buried my head into my knees as Logan sighed.

"He told Roman he hated him."