Powerless

45. I love them all

So Logan told Patton... and of course Patton told Virgil. It wasn't that long of a wait either. The moment Patton left I had the feeling I knew where he was going. Next thing I knew I had Virgil crying in my lap holding me tightly as if he just found out I was dying. I might as well have been. So now... Everyone knows but Roman. That was about a week ago.

I held my necklace tightly as the world buzzed around me. I had sat on the floor with a cup of water to do some more magic. Logan wasn't here. This was one of the few days he had to leave. Don't ask me where he went. I never know. And why should it matter, Logan has his own life. He doesn't need to be with me all the time. Neither does Virgil. And neither does the ball of pure fluff that's currently baking cookies in my kitchen.

I sighed as I just stared at the water. It was rippling as if responding to the uneasy movement of energy around the room. Energy I no doubt was disturbing with just how uneasy I am. Logan once explained I had to focus my thoughts on a particular subject for the correct spellwork to work... but how could I do that when my thoughts were all over the place.

I thought of Virgil and how he cried in my lap. How he begged me never to shut him out again... I thought of the way he held me tight through the tears and promised nothing would ever change how he felt about me. I could help but smile. I love him. He's been there for me through all the bad shit, way before all this shitty crap happened. I thought Patton and how he helped me back at the resort. I thought of the way he smiled and laughed with me. I thought of the story I heard about him protecting me from my own mother. He was thoughtless and caring and kind... He showed me a kind of love I never even got from my parents. So of course... I would love him too. I thought of Logan. I thought of the way he jumped at the chance to help me even knowing what was wrong. I thought of the way he would just sit and talk to me listening to every word I said and understanding every lie. I thought of the way he just didn't care. He didn't care about the mental strain he only cared about me. I thought of the moments he was doing magic. The way the world lit up with an energy that seemed to move to an unheard beat. The movement of it all, it was beautiful. I couldn't help but feel enraptured by it. I thought of the subtle ways he would make a dad joke, a symptom of spending so much time with Patton. I just loved it all. I loved him. I loved them... my friends... My family.

My mind went to Roman and the cup burst to life. I was so lost in thought though I didn't notice. Roman Price... My Best Friend. I remembered one year I went to Disney with Father. He took me to all the different parks and stuff. Every single one... Every god damn penny press I had to do them all. I had so many pressed pennies, Father was at a loss. He couldn't understand why I had to get all of them. But I did... I had to get them all so I could pick the best one for Roman. He was my best friend and he'd never been there before. He was always talking about how he wanted to. He was a Disney fan. I felt guilty that I got to go for who knows how many times and he never went once. This time... This time I was bringing him back something special. Something you couldn't get anywhere else. I spent an hour sifting through every penny I had gotten. I wanted it to be special. There were Tinkerbell ones and Goofy ones... a buzz lighter one... and god who only knows what else. But my eyes kept falling on Mickey. This little penny with a simple happy Mickey face on it. So... That's the one I gave him.

His eyes lit up so bright I swear he would have set a fire if it wasn't for the fact that I was there. He was so happy when I gave it to him. I wonder what he would have said if I told him there was more he could have if he liked it so much. However, as time went on and the distance grew larger between us... I wouldn't be surprised if he no longer had it. It was just a pressed penny after all. Why keep something like that?

I still have all of the other ones. This idea had come to mind that I would give him a Disney penny every year for his birthday until they were all gone. They were all meant for him after all. But I never did because he pulled away and I shut everyone out. I couldn't just get rid of them though. They weren't mine. They were his. I couldn't do it. So they all sit in a box in my closet waiting to be given to a man that doesn't even know they are there. 

I thought of the way he smiled when I gave him that first one. I thought of the way he held me tightly in the hospital bed... the way he cried when he told me he thought he lost me. The way he told me he loved me. I love him. I love him so much... But told him I hated him and I broke his heart. Now I'll probably never see him smile like that again. And if I do...

It won't be at me.

I opened my eyes to find the water dancing across the sky and I smiled. The water fell soaking the floor around me but I couldn't really make myself care. I took a deep breath and held my hand over the wet spot letting my fingers position themselves like I've seen Logan do so many times and... The water slowly rose from the carpet as I led it back into the cup.

"I see Logan's been teaching you some new spells." I looked over to see Patton hold a tray of cookies and I smiled a bit as he brought them over. I just nodded and Patton narrowed his eyes slightly. "I've been meaning to ask you... I've noticed you don't always lie when you're nodding." I shot him this confused look and he sighed. "You just nodded at me saying yes to Logan teaching you but you've also lied and shaken your head meaning yes to a few things too. Maybe that's why Logan said you couldn't control it rather than saying you could only lie." I was already stuffing my face with a cookie so all I could do was shrug. "Just thinking out loud I guess..."

"I understand, Pat..." I munched more on the cookie complete oblivious to the shocked expression Patton had on his face. "Maybe it has to do with thought... I don't know. I'd have to talk to Emile about it."

"Hey, kiddo?" I looked up to see this sad expression and I frowned. "Have you thought about telling, Roman?"

"About the Mental strain?" He nodded and I frowned shaking my head. "Why would I? I'm pretty sure he hates me. Besides All I ever say is a lie anyway, he wouldn't..."

"But you telling the truth now." I froze. I mean once again I literally froze up. My eyes went wide as the realization hit me. I was. But I don't understand. I don't... WHY NOW?! WHY NOW, WHEN I DON'T CARE ABOUT BEING HONEST? "Kiddo, I really think you should tell him. Even if it's just to get that guilt off your shoulders."

"I told him I hated him. There is no getting rid of that guilt." Patton got this stern look in his eyes that reminded me of a father scolding his child and I frowned. 

"Do you know what Roman fears more than anything?" I shook my head and sighed.

"I know Virgil laughed at it." Patton narrowed his eyes as he started to pick up the mess around us. I watched as he got the kitchen door before turning around with a sad look in his eyes.

"He was terrified of losing you... of being left behind... of you pushing him away... of you getting hurt. Whatever the reason however it happened... The thought of not seeing you anymore scared him more than anything." I was taken aback. Patton's voice cracked a bit as he shook his head and turned away again. "You need to tell him."