I'm starting a journal in the middle of the year but honestly, I, don't care. I've never felt so hopeless, alone, hurt, depressed, etc, etc ever in my life than this year. I almost wanted to start living through my OC Michael but I didn't want to ruin him since I love him I guess, even though I've put him through shit. I thought well maybe I'll live my life through another character and I couldn't do that either. I appreciate my OC's too much to put them through this pain.
I've basically lost everything this year. I lost my apartment, my boyfriend, my favorite dog, my best friend, many other friendships. A lot of friendships have also just increasingly decreased in closeness I suppose. Everything has just spiraled super fast and in a horrible direction. It mostly has had a domino effect more than spiraled I guess. I would do anything to go back to any other year but this one. I would literally do anything, this year has been so bad. It's had very few good things but the bad WAY WAY WAY overweighs the good.
At the beginning of the year like maybe the first week was good. I had a best friend who I hung out with all the time. I had a boyfriend, it wasn't so great of a relationship, actually, the worst relationship I've ever been in, I wasn't aware of that at the time. I had a place to call home. I had my puppy penny by my side. I had a place to practice my instruments, I HAD MY INSTRUMENTS. I was so much closer to a lot of my friends. I enjoyed going to school. I was happy.
I looked back on my Snapchat it was the first week of January I was happy. I had goals, I had ambitions, I looked forward to the next day. I didn't dread waking up every day. I didn't stay home from school. Ugh, I was just happy. The only thing a really worried about was nothing. Or maybe I worry about so much now I've forgotten what they're really could've been to worry about them.
Now I'm constantly trying to find 101 ways to forget and avoid the constant pain I am feeling from every bad thing that has happened this year. First, it was I could start to tell my boyfriend at the time didn't love me. Problems with a best friend had sparked. My family and I had to move into motels and hotels, still, do. I failed English class. After some time I lost my best friend and she started a trillion problems with me online. Then my boyfriend broke up with me and id like to mention very much pressured me into moving way too fast in that relationship. At that point, I felt like I was left with nothing. I really tried to distract myself from the pain that it caused me with video games and YouTube videos so in a constructive way of course.
Lots of other things have happened from then and now like the constant switch of hotels and motels. I've been in twelve motel/hotel rooms, seven different motel/hotel establishments. So it's been constantly moving around. Keep thinking we've found a place then sike. Almost moved to Texas but my little sister was a crybaby and refused. She literally rather be in this extremely shitty horrible shitty situation than move somewhere and be stable. That just shows what kind of person she is.
There's nothing I crave more than stability.
I've been so angry and I get angry so easily. I've felt so much anxiety and sometimes for no reason. I've felt so depressed I sometimes think I have depression. I try to convince myself none of these feelings are valid and I'm probably not depressed. I really don't want to feel this way. I surely don't want to be diagnosed with it. I just want to be not depressed I suppose. Being diagnosed could mean no navy so yea.
I had to give up my dog penny two days ago and that had basically destroyed me. She is/was my best friend and now she is no longer mine. It's really been destroying me. I miss her so much. It's hard to deal with. I don't know when the next time I will see her is it if I ever see her again. I miss her so much, it's hard not cry thinking about her. I wish I could hug my little pup but instead, I'm writing this awful sob journal. Having to give up a dog is worse than a heartbreak I swear to God. I know penny is in a good home though. I wish I could be with her. Penny made me feel loved, I really needed that, now I don't have that at all. It's really hard in the first place to be happy now it's hard to be happy at all without her. And how am I supposed to make myself happy when I have literally nothing to make me happy at all anymore.
Also, I think my ex made one of my best friends slightly go against me. My friend would never go against me or blame me of anything but he told me the other day "it is both of your faults why the relationship ended." That is not like a friend to say to me, especially him. I didn't feel like asking him if my ex told him this or if he came to this conclusion on his own.
A. I didn't want to hear that he believes something that my ex said to him, then have to question what my ex exactly said.
B. I didn't want to hear my friend lie to me and say my ex didn't tell him anything about me when he really did and my friend didn't come up with this conclusion.
C. I didn't want to find out my friend says he came up with his own conclusion and that to be the truth that my ex didn't plant that in his head and hear him partly blame me for the breakup.
Yes I know it takes two to end a relationship. But this really needs to be established that breaking up with someone through text is incredibly immature and stupid. It's a real pussy thing to do. And I know that bitch boy didn't care about seeing me hurt. He did to my face say the band thing was a waste of time basically.
At least with my breakup before him, it was done through a letter given to my friend BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT TO SEE ME HURT FOR JESUS CHRIST.
My last boyfriend was just a plain asshole, he acted so arrogantly about it too, "Sorry to be the heartbreaker" and shit like "the first heartbreak is always the worst" first off, he wasn't my first heartbreak, I wasn't even heartbroken. I was sad I was going to be alone for like two days, but I was far from heartbroken. I never even truly loved him. He was a fat waste of my time and energy. That boy right there emotionally drained me 24/7 when I was with him.
I've gotten quite off topic, but well now you know.
Also current events. I fell in love for like twelve hours after a Canada trip with one of my friends, I think it faded and that's why I say twelve hours. Well, he is Mormon and I just know it wouldn't work out, I need too much affection, to be honest, and Mormon rules are like uh no. So yep that's great not really.
I'm back to being too sad to feel love anymore. Oh well, I will get out of this I know. I just don't know when this will get better and it feels impossible. I know it is not impossible for life to get better, it just really feels this way right now.
