Great Monday morning. I didn't go to sleep until past 12 something. I get waken up a little bit before 2am because of my dads alarm. My mom tells my dad to turn off the alarm, my sister tells my mom to be quiet so my mom turns on the light then my dad punches my mom.
I AM SO TIRED OF THIS SHIT. THE ONLY THING GOOD IN MY LIFE IS ALL MY CLASSES EXCEPT JAZZ BAND, AND MY FRIENDS ARE GOOD TOO. BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS FALLING APART.
Every day just seems worse in some way or another. I can barely take it anymore. I'm just wondering how long I can take it until I can't anymore. When will I relapse? I've been clean for 8 months. When will I say enough is enough? When will I just stop eating altogether and the anxiety just fully consumes me? Maybe if I overdose again my parents will see how bad it truly is. No only my mom would care, my dad wouldn't care if I killed myself, he actually told me to yesterday.
Will I grow up and end of like one of them? My dad turned into someone worse than his abusive dad. My mom turned into someone more disabled and emotionally abusive than her mom. What the hell am I going to be? Maybe a serial killer? My dad has tried to kill my mom numerous times in the past. Maybe I'll just be like my mom? I'll end up marrying someone abusive and I'll have children and treat them they way my mom treated me. Maybe I'll just be like my dad abusive to my children and spouse? That is all I have seen my dad do. Maybe I will manipulate everyone in my life to do what I want them to do? That all I've seen my mom do.
Everything just hurts so much. The only time I feel at home and safe is at school or at Girl Scouts with the younger troop. I feel just so exhausted with everything in life. Everything feels like so much work. I just want to be happy and it feels so hard.
