I'm feeling depressed as shit as usual.
I kind of regret cutting my hair, I liked it longer. I feel like I look like a baby and I hate it. Also all the blonde is gone and I'm sad about that. I'm just not feeling it.
Cutting my hair has just put me in a mood I guess. Maybe I'll grow to like it (see what I did there)
Really hoping I can talk to Sam today. It would be super nice and make my day a whole lot better.
Also I get to hang out with Katie and I'm excited. I hate being at "home" it makes me a lot more depressed than usual. I'm the kind of person that can't be alone for too long or with my family for along period of time because it makes me super depressed.
I've been kind ehhhhh feeling since I have been in like the worst writers block (but I'm like this every time I am in a new relationship). I just can't wait until I get over this writers block. It will be so nice. I miss writing for hours and hours.
Okay so I've been feeling super super super insecure about my weight. Like my heaviest weight was 140lbs. Which isn't over weight it's almost but it's not. I've lost 11lbs sometimes when I weigh myself it's 13lbs. But I feel fat. I can't wear crop tops without having little rolls since most my weight is on my stomach and hips and ribs. My arms also look really fat and I hate it. I feel ugly about my weight. I've never had a problem with my weight until I turned 17 and I don't get it at all. I just feel fat. Like this is weird but I want my collar bones to be visible. Weird shit I know. Also the bottom half of my legs are thick and I hate it. But uhhhhgggg my hips are so big and I hate it. I feel so gross about my body.
Gosh sometimes I wish I looked more masculine. Like I wish I had more masculine clothes. But other times I want to wear crop tops and look like a hoe without being a hoe ya know. I just sometimes wouldn't mind presenting as a boy. I lowkey like the idea of looking pimp and like I could steal your woman or man UwU look ya know.
I am really hating myself at the moment and it's weird. The other day I was like yooooo I love myself and now I'm like ew I'm not happy with my appearance.
Also I've come very close to telling my mom I'm Bisexual but I haven't. I think she knows lowkey.
Dude when I get a job I'm buying more masculine clothes and then very feminine clothes.
Okay but I'm on the worst writers block like holy shit.
So I didn't get to hangout with Katie.
And I only got to talk to Sam for 20 minutes because my mom made me get off the phone.
I AM SOOOOO FUCKING TIRED OF HER SHIT. WHEN I AM 18 I AM TELLING HER TO JUST FUCK OFF. GOD I CANT DO FUCKING ANYTHING AND ITS COMPLETE BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF IT.
I JUST WANT TO HANGOUT WITH MY FRIENDS AND TALK TO MY BOYFRIEND. BUT I HAVE TO STAY QUIET IN THIS LITTLE FUCKING HOTEL AND BE DEPRESSED. ITS SOOOOOO FUCKING DEPRESSING DOING NOTHING. ITS SO FUCKING ANNOYING BEING ABLE TO DO NOTHING.
When I am 18 I don't get a shit I will get a stupid job pay for my own phone and live on the god damn street if it means I can finally be free from being stuck here doing nothing.
I'm so depressed from being here doing nothing. I actually can't wait until school starts so I can probably at least call my boyfriend during lunch. AND I CAN ACTUALLY HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS!!!!!
