What kind of broken piece of trash am I going to be? I am so fucked up. 2012 you fucked up my life for the rest of my life. Well more like dad you fucked up my life and I was only 11. You lost your job, you went away to jail. I didn't understand why any of this was happening, why my dad? I prayed and I prayed that you would come back and when you did I wish you were gone. You came back so mean and abusive. I was once happy to see you when you came home, now I'm just scared. I wanted to be like you when I was little, I looked up to you and thought you were the best dad, but then I truly found out who you were. You are now someone just full of so much hate and anger. How do I call someone dad who's hurt my mom? I haven't even called you dad in years. It's been Mr. Jason, because calling you dad doesn't feel right. I don't know what you wanted when you had two daughters. I don't know if you wanted to even have us with the way you treat us. Maybe you did want to have us and you are just so messed up now from how you were treated and from going to jail, but that's no excuse how you should treat your family. I don't know how to tell you no, I don't want you to one day go to my wedding. I wish I could have the old you go to my wedding one day. It's not like I'm getting married any time soon at all but I wish I could have the dad I was once excited to see when I came home, the dad that would Mario kart with me, the dad that would take me to work that one time. I wish I could I have the dad that still loved me. The dad that would take me to school. The dad that took me to the daddy and daughter dances that danced with me.
The last time I actually felt like you still maybe loved me was when grandma passed away. You hugged me in that hospital room and you should you cared, I haven't seen it since.
But now how do I tell you no about going to my future wedding? How do I tell you no you can't be around my future children? How do I tell you no about family holidays one day? How do I let you out of my life without hurting you? I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want to disappoint you. Maybe one day you wanted grandchildren, maybe you wanted to walk me down the aisle, maybe you wanted Christmas at my house. Maybe you wanted to celebrate future birthdays.
Dad why did you have to be so selfish? Couldn't you of thought of your two daughters? Now anyone can just look you up and see the horrible things you did. They can see oh look at Megann's father, look at her sex offender dad. How do I tell my children one day what you've done? They could find out so easily. I don't know.
I look at other male figures in my life and wish they were my dad. I've been doing this since 8th grade. I remember seeing how Mr. Cleverdan acted and I wish my dad was like that, so I sat there crying wishing my dad was like him. I had my math teacher and I wish my dad acted like him, so helpful and nice and easy to talk to. I even wish back in 5th grade that my dad was Mr. Hardy and there was nothing super great about him, he just wasn't you. In ninth grade hearing Mr. Rosenquist going to his daughters baseball game (??) that sounded just great. I wish I had that. A dad that cared. Then there was Mr. Washington such a fun and caring teacher who was funny, he was a lot older than my dad, but I wish he was. Then having Mr. Schuhart and hearing that he would help his daughter at her soccer practice, and how he had pictures of her all over one part of his wall from kindergarten up until her current age, I wish I had a dad that would've put up pictures of me somewhere. Dad you never even had pictures of me in your wallet. Well then I had Mr. Smithrud, he taught so well, and he was so kind, I can't even think of anything super significant about him but he seemed like he could be a great a dad. Then there's Mr. Woods I've had for a few years, the way I see him interact with his son, I wish I could've had that, he acts like his son is his whole world and it's a wonderful beautiful world they have. I've thought, I wish Mr. Woods would adopt me, he is old enough to be dad. He would treat me like I matter, he would treat me how I have deserved to be treated.
I but I got a sex offender, abusive father as my father.
I miss you old version of my dad that you portrayed. I would do anything for things to be how they use to, but it'll never be the same.
