I don't think I've ever been as such low point in my life. I feel like I can't do anything. Not that I am not good enough to do anything. I just actually feel like I can't do anything. If I'm not talking to someone I feel like crying. I've been getting angry so easily. I feel like if one more wrong thing happens I'm going to actually die. I don't know if I can even tell my mom how I'm feeling. In ninth grade when I tried to kill myself it actually made things get better for a while. My mom took things slightly more seriously. Until it was when I actually had to go therapy, then I had to earn to go, I had to work for her so she would drive me. So I ended up just stopping after going two times since my mom didn't feel like I needed to go and she didn't want to take me. I'm not feeling suicidal as bad as I was in ninth grade. I feel so unmotivated. I don't want to do the things I use to love anymore. I use to love band, I use to love to play the saxophone. It was my whole identity, I was the band kid and that's all I talked about, I use to want to be a band teacher or do something with music. Now I feel dead, I feel like it doesn't matter now. I use to look forward to school, I loved school so so much. Now I rather just stay in bed and do nothing. I haven't picked up an instrument in months.
I haven't had the motivation to even write, I can't even get myself to write about my day anymore and I would just do that so I was at least writing something. I only do things that require minimum effort. Literally everything offends me, the most harmless things piss me off, and bigger things make me lose it. I feel like I have no imagination anymore. Thinking of making myself a new character for dnd doesn't idk the word, I feel like I just can't. I don't look forward to anything anymore. Like it's not even anxiety anymore it's just full on being unmotivated to do anything. Even when I was at my grandpas house and nothing wrong was going on I felt just sad and depressed. I should've been happy but I wasn't. There's so many things I do where I should be happy and I'm just not. I feel like I'll never be happy. I feel like I'm going to mess everything up. I feel like everything is going to get messed up. I'm tired of feeling like this. I'm so tired of feeling like this.
