Diary of an Introvert

33: Memories of My First Love

I had a dream again.

It was about my first love, Ray.

The scenes were never part of my memory.

It was too good to be true.

"Hoy, Chibs. Ba't tulala ka diyan? Ikaw ah. Nananadya ka  ba? Kababalik ko lang tapos parang may iba kang iniisip diyan." 

Usually, babanatan ko siya sa biro niya pero hindi ko talaga maalis sa isip ko si Ray.

"Oy." He pinched my cheeks.

"Aw--Cal--"

"Mag-aaway na talaga tayo kapag hindi ka pa nagsalita diyan." Sabi niya. This time I know he's serious.

"Sorry, Cal. May iniisip lang kasi ako." 

"Ano yun?" He saw how distracted I was. "Pero kung kailangan mo pa ng oras I can wait. Basta huwag lang sana tungkol sa break up ah." 

Break up?!  Natauhan ako bigla.  "Break up? Hoy. Bakit mo naman naisip yan?"  Muntikan ko na siyang mabatukan sa sinabi niya. Ano bang iniisip nito? Hay.

"Wala lang...hmm... siguro dahil na-trauma na ako. Every after my business trip kasi nakikipagbreak sakin ang mga dati kong girlfriends. I'm just afraid it might happen again. At kung mangyari man yun, hindi ko yata kayang tanggapin na mawawala ka sakin. Hehe..." 

"Calvin, kanina lang ako tong pinipilit mo na magshare ng problema ko. Pero parang kailangan din yata nating pag-usapan yang nararamdaman mo. Are you okay?" 

He sighed and just covered his face with his hands. "I'm worried, Cee. I'm actually afraid of the thought na baka hindi ako ang lalaking para sayo. You know, you're really a great person at ako? Sino ba naman ako? I came from a complicated family. I have a bad background. I hate myself for thinking na may mas mabuting lalaki diyan para sayo." He looked at me then apologized. "I'm sorry. Ako dapat ang nagpapagaan ng loob mo pero binibigyan na naman kita ng problema." 

I smiled at him and gave him a hug. "Hay naku, Calvin Ramos...ang cute mo." 

"Cee--seryoso ako okay? Batukan kaya kita."

"Hm? Kaya mo?" I teased him.

"Ms. Lizares. Alam mong hindi ko kaya yan kaya please lang..." 

"Sorry. Hay, seriously? Ganyan din ang naiisip ko. I'm also worried na baka hindi rin ako ang para sayo.  Eh sino ba naman ako? Hindi naman ako maganda. Walang experience sa lovelife. Hindi ako gaya ng mga babaeng kaedad ko. I'm just an aloof, introvert individual. Why did a Calvin Ramos choose to be my boyfriend? Natatakot din ako, okay? Pero... as of now, parang nawawala na ang doubts ko. I remembered that I prayed for this. Ikaw ang naging sagot ni Lord sakin so why would I continue to worry? Let's put God in the center of everything...even in our relationship for sure He will guide us and our hearts."