Diary of an Introvert

45: Honesty

"Hi, chibs!" bati ni Cal sa akin sabay bigay ng halik sa aking mga labi.

His kiss. This simple kiss... I wonder why it's so comforting.

"Na-miss kita ah." sabi niya habang nakahawak sa aking kamay.

"Wow naman, bee. Kahapon ka lang pumunta ng bahay ah. Na-miss mo kaagad ako?" 

He glared at me. "Ah, Cee? Pumunta ako sa bahay niyo kahapon dahil birthday ng Papa mo. Although we saw each other and spent time together, gusto pa rin naman kitang ma-solo noh. Mag-isip ka nga." 

"Haha...oo na. Huwag ka ng magalit okay?" 

"Hm? Sinong may sabing galit ako?" He grinned and kissed my forehead. "So? Bakit gusto mong dito tayo magkita sa baywalk? Naalala ko tuloy yung nangyari last year. Hehe.." 

I remembered it too. I just smiled.

"Something's bothering you?" 

"Ah... it's no---" 

"And please don't tell me that it's nothing. Halata sa mga mata mo, sa boses mo kahit na sa pagngiti mo na may iniisip ka. Don't try to pretend you're okay even if you're not, chibs." 

"I will be honest, okay? Please huwag mo akong awayin ngayon, Cal." 

"Makikinig ako." 

I took a deep breath and started talking. "I'm tired. Pagod na ako, Calvin. Akala ko kapag inisip ko lang na kaya ko ay makakaya ko na lahat --- pero bakit parang hindi? I need to balance my work na madalas dinadala ko pa sa bahay. Kailangan kong isantabi ang tulog para matapos ang requirements ko sa grad school. I also need to take care of the house --- yung mga bills at bayarin sa school ng kapatid ko." 

I looked at his sympathetic eyes. "And I... feel disappointed with myself dahil hindi kita nabibigyan ng oras gaya ng pagbigay mo sakin ng panahon, Cal. I'm sorry. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang magpatuloy." 

Hot, salty tears once again filled my eyes.

"Hay. Halika nga dito." Calvin wrapped his arms around me. I held his back tightly. "Eucee Lizares, on the outside you're so tough. Halos lahat kaya mong gawin. Lahat ng problemang dumarating sa buhay mo, nakakaya mong harapin at may natututunan ka sa huli. I admire you because of that. But this Eucee who's crying so hard in my arms now --- I admire the most." 

I lifted my face to him. "Ha?" 

"Inamin mo lang naman kasi na nahihirapan ka. You're being honest with me and with yourself. Alam mo ang tunay mong nararamdaman. You're not denying it --- well, you almost did. Haha~ mas naging matapang ka na, chibs. For me, that's a good thing." 

I know deep inside that I'm happy of what he said but I just can't stop crying...especially when he's filling me with love again.