Diary of an Introvert

55: Poetry of the Past

I am an old string

the thinnest among the six

the unwanted

the unnoticed

the rusted.

"Why is this so depressing?" Calvin said while handing me back my manuscript. 

"Hehe. As if naman na hindi mo ako kilala noon noh." 

Nasa Coffee Farm cafe kami ngayon. Sinamahan ako ni Cal sa pagsulat ng manuscript na susubukan kong isubmit sa isang publishing house.

"Yes, I know you even before we met each other sa resort. But I didn't know you were this...down. What makes you feel this down, Cee? I mean, saan mo kinukuha ang lahat ng kadramahan mo dito? You're life's not that dark as you write it." 

"Cal, sa pagsusulat, nakakatulong talaga yung experience pero there are times that you somehow need to exaggerate things. Hehe...you know para may kaunting drama, di ba?  Observing other people, listening to their stories and such helps too. I need to empathize with them." 

"Hmm..." He's thinking. "I get your point but seriously, what about this poetry of the past? I don't think it's someone else's story." 

"Hay, okay." I put aside my laptop and faced him. "Way back before I met you, before I became who I am today, before I realized what life is all about... every thing feels so dull, dark, sad. Haa... I don't know. The younger me was way too melancholic and depressing. Akala ko noon, I'm not loved, I'm not wanted...just like the old, rusted strings in a broken guitar. Naisip ko rin na walang magkakagusto sakin. Yung sarili ko lang ang meron ako. And these feeling gave birth to a lot of songs, stories and poetry." 

He held my hand.

"Eh ngayon?" 

"I'm happy. I love what I'm doing and I'm content with what I have. But both of us knew that life itself is not all about smiles, right? I do cry, I also feel sad, angry and other things. I still fail and get frustrated but that's where I learn. Maybe, at this age, I learned to accept life and love it as it is." 

He laughed. "Maka-at-this-age ka naman diyan. Ilang taon ka na nga ulit? 30?" 

"Hoy! 26 palang ako noh. Bwisit to." I shoved his hands away and started to work again. "Kumain ka na nga lang diyan." 

"Hahaha. Pikon ka talaga noh?"

"Hah. At nagsalita ang hindi? Sus. Kumain ka na. Huwag mo muna akong istorbohin." 

"Okay-okay!" Tumayo siya. "Thirty minutes, chibs. After that stop with the work mode, okay?"

"Ha? 30 minutes? Pero---"

"Oh. 29 minutes nalang." 

"Tsk. Fine." 

I rolled my eyes to him and here he goes laughing it off again. Hay.