Diary of an Introvert

53: Nightmare

Ilang taon na ba kaming magkasintahan ni Calvin? Almost 3 years? Hmm. People around us are happy that we are in a stable relationship but why am I feeling uneasy? It is because medyo tahimik ang relasyon namin? It is good that both of us are comfortable with each other?

Honestly, sometimes kinikilig ako. Minsan, parang kaibigan ko lang siya. Is it okay to feel that way towards your boyfriend? Yung minsan, mas kinikilig pa ako sa anime characters kesa sa kanya. Yung mas nakakakilig pa ang story na binabasa at pinapanood namin sa movie house kesa sa sarili naming storya. Minsan, namimiss ko siya ng todo pero minsan okay lang na di kami magkasama at nagkakausap.

Okay lang ba yun?

As I worry about these things, I guess I fell asleep.

"Cee, I think it's over."
Namilog ang mga mata ko dahil sa sinabi ni Calvin.

"What? Anong drama to, Cal?" I asked, faking a smile.

"No,Cee. You said it yourself. You're doubting us. We sometimes feel lax, yung parang hindi tayo. Aminin mo— you're getting tired and bored too, right?"

Tama. Tama siya. Pero kailangan ba talagang—

"So I guess, tama lang na tapusin na natin to." He continued.

"Ha...?"

I wanted to tell him no and beg him to stay, but all I was able to do was hold the tears in while watching his back slowly fading away.

I woke up, crying. With my tears were the reasons why I fell in love with him and why I stayed and supported him up until this time.

Love is always there, but to stay committed is a choice (I guess). We chose to be together so we will, till the end.

Later that night, we had a family dinner. His family and mine. I held his hand under the table and gave him a smile.

"Uy. Kinikilabutan ako sayo ha. Haha. Anong meron? Ba't ang sweet mo?" He whispered.

"Can we go out for a bit? May sasabihin ako sayo."

His face became worried. "Okay."

We excused ourselves and went out. I sat on the freshly trimmed grasses in our garden and watched the stars.

"Anong problema? May nagawa ba akong kasalanan? Cee, kinakabahan ako sayo." He said as he settled beside me.

I looked at him. "Cal."

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"Ha? Okay. Haha. Wait, what's this, Chibs?" He looked happy and a little confused.

"Wala lang. Narealize ko lang na, mahal pala talaga kita."

"Oy. After all these years, ngayon mo lang nalaman yan? Nang-iinis ka ba?"

I just smiled and pulled him to me. I kissed him for as long as I wanted.

"Kung ano mang espiritong sumapi ngayon sayo, Cee, gusto ko siyang pasalamatan ng todo." He's smiling so wide.

"Baliw."

And we just laughed.

Thanks to that nightmare — a dream in disguise.