guardian angel

June 18th

June 18th already, it doesn't feel like that long ago I started listening to your music and loving you, it's scary how time goes by so fast, for 9/10 mouths I've felt pain bc you're not here but like you said about Jocelyn.. you kinda want the pain bc you feel closer to her, I felt that.. whenever I think you're really gone.. that messes me up, I feel so close to you, I receive so much comfort from you bc I also can relate to you so much, even though I found out about you not soon enough, never met you, never actually spoken to you, I feel like I've known you personally forever, it feels like you're a close friend of mine and that's really special to feel that way from just watching your videos and listening your music "to feel so close to someone then finding out they're gone the next day, I guess you never realise how permanently damaging that is" that is so true.. you put your all into your music to help yourself and us, to also let us know we're never alone, to also let us know you for you and I love you so much for that and all of the other amazing things you've done

It's crazy that its a year, a year ago today, X aka Jahseh Onfroy was taken from this world at 20 years old! 20! That's so young.. he didn't deserve any of this <\3 he was always suffering, he had such a hard horrible love life, a childhood, all he wanted was love and comfort! he always spoke about dying but I don't believe he actually wanted to, he just wanted the pain, regret and mistakes to stop haunting him <\3 thats all any of us want.. at 19, he started to think positive/doing/saying stuff in a different more positive manner instead of beating everyone up lol <3 he was bettering himself at 19! Sometimes it takes a life time for somebody to actually see the wrongs in themselves and actually want to change it, he said that we ain't supposed to be alone and start hating ourselves, we're supposed to see things in ourselves that we do not like and change it, that's exactly what he did, he wants us to do so too, he encourages us to do good, to help people, to better ourselves, to know how much shit he went through as a kid and how hurt he always was, he was really strong to do that so yeah there is hope for the rest of us <3 and I am proud of him for winning against his thoughts and becoming positive, I know how hard it is to be in a battle with your mind so he's VERY strong and inspirational, he's still VERY strong, when all that happened he was holding on.. he passed two and a half hours later, he didn't want to leave, especially like that! </3 (he named his song 'i don't let go' "I shine out of these walls" he will always shine <3 our beautiful sleeping star <3) I've always thought he was a beautiful person reading about him etc, he was just hurting, he was always a good person, just a lil "crazy" but I love him for that, we're all a lil crazy, then he said he felt a lot better since he started to think positive and it hurts that good feeling didn't last for so much longer bc he had to leave.. he deserved good feelings, he deserved to be happy.. I know they say god takes the best but that doesn't stop this pain inside our hearts, sure God probably needed bad ass guardian angels but he should still be here.. it's true that often the people that create change are taken from us.. he was changing himself and he wanted to help us change too, he wanted to make this world so much better, he helped so many people, friends, fans, foster kids everybody but nobody helped him and that will forever break my heart <\3 i guess we feel how he felt now when he sings "the pain in my heart just won't end" :'( <\3 but we have to be positive for him, we have to at least try, I know he's only sipping tea in a differet hood but it breaks my heart I will never get to talk to him in person and hug him but we will meet one day, we will keep him alive in our hearts and minds forever, there's still songs of his being released too, he's not truly gone, he will live on through his music and us <3 he still continues to help through his positive videos, through his deep music we will always have his music and pictures and him locked in our hearts and him visiting us in our dreams helps, even though he's no longer here, he's still helping, He's still powerful, he was so caring, so selfless, this fucked up world needed somebody like him, we needed him, I needed him, it will forever break my heart that I wasn't lucky enough to find out about him so much sooner, damn how I wish I could talk to him and tell him how much I relate to some of the things he went through, I relate to you and some people have no idea how comforting that is to me and how much stuff he have made me realize! He's also made me become such a deep thinker like I never really used to be and I appreciate him so much for helping me with that as well as making me want to become a better person <3 I understand things a lot better now, Him just being him and his death really made me realize a lot.. I ain't so dumb now, I would never go out and get drunk again, I now know anything could happen at anytime day or night and I'm lucky I'm here after dumb shit I've done.. like he said there's hope for the rest of us "I think I'll find a way of envisioning a better life for the rest of us, there's hope for the rest of us" <3 I also just really want to thank him for everything.. "If heaven's as good as advertised
I want a triple extension on my motherfuckin’ afterlife
Rest in paradise" <3 we will meet when the time is right for me tho.. I know theres hope for the rest of us so I'm sorry for wanting to end it sometimes bc my thoughts of the past gets to me too much sometimes.. this is also why I look up to him so much, he's so strong and inspirational to be able to win against his bad thoughts and to become positive.. you will always be my idol and the best most comforting most loving beautiful artist! June 18th forever in my heart.. I love you X <3 our beautiful guardian angel #LLJ