You are a Part of Me

24.

Well, now

If little by little you stop loving me

I shall stop loving you

Little by little

If suddenly you forget me

Do not look for me

For I shall have forgotten you

If you think it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life

And you decide to leave me at the shore of the heart where I have roots

Remember

That on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms

And my roots will set off to seek another land

—Pablo Neruda

            BLAIRE hurriedly stood up from the couch and left Xavier's office.

            She didn't even bother taking a last glance at Xavier dahil mas nakapokus siya sa paglayo mula sa binata, sa mga luhang umaagos sa kanyang mga mata, at sa sakit na hindi mawala-wala mula sa kanyang dibdib.

            Gulat na tumayo si Ernest, ang sekretarya ni Xavier, nang makita niyang umiiyak ang dating nobya ng kanyang boss at nagmamadaling umalis. Napagdesisyunan niya itong habulin at lapitan ito pero hindi na niya ito nahabol dahil nakapasok na ito ng elevator.

            Ernest stopped in front of the elevator as he watched the doors closed. Tiningnan niya ang dating nobya ni Xavier sa loob ng elevator at nagulat siya ng makita ang mga mata nito, because Blaire's eyes were cold and dead, yet tears are continuously flowing from them.

            Hindi kaya ni Blaire. Hindi niya talaga kaya. Hindi pa niya kayang sabihin kay Xavier ang lahat-lahat. Hindi niya pa kaya lalo na't sinabi ni Xavier ang rason nito kung bakit gusto na nitong lumaya—ang babaeng iyon.

            She's selfish for not telling him anything just because Xavier wanted to be free from her for that woman. Oo. Alam niyang nagiging makasarili na naman siya.

            But she has always been selfish. She's selfish. This is the real her. Sa loob ng dalawang taon ay pinilit niya ang sariling tanggapin ang lahat-lahat. She's selfish because she kept everything to herself. She's selfish because she's blaming only herself for everything that has happened to her and Xavier. She's selfish dahil isinarili niya ang lahat-lahat.

            Inaamin niyang that the moment she left Xavier's office ay may kaunting parte sa kanyang umaasang susundan siya ni Xavier pero hindi. Hindi siya nito sinundan. Bakit nga ba siya nito susundan eh mukha namang hindi niya maibibigay ang hinihingi nito mula sa kanya?

            Totoo nga that when all is said and done, grief is the price we pay for love. Hearts break, and siguro nga it would have been better if people die when their hearts break, pero hindi eh. People won't die because of a heartbreak. Fate won't allow them to not suffer from the consequences of their mistakes.

            Sumandal si Blaire sa dingding ng elevator.

            She can't stop the tears from her eyes.

            "No...No, Blaire. It's not your fault. It's not something you did nor didn't do. It's not something you ate nor didn't eat. And it's also definitely not because you're not yet ready...It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Blaire."