You are a Part of Me

20.

            "If you get lost in a trigger that thrusts you to a painful event, take a deep breath and remember: we can't change that we've been hurt before, but we can choose not to suffer now." —Lori Deschene, Tiny Wisdom: The Triggers that Lead to Pain (n.d.)

            NANG makaalis si Xavier ay agad na pumasok ng kusina si Blaire.

            She's well aware that everyone—Exequiel, her friends, and including the members of her kitchen and restaurant staff—is looking at her with concern and worry in their eyes. But she doesn't care. She doesn't need their worry and concern.

            Tiningnan ni Blaire si Exequiel—mata sa mata—and she clearly saw the worry in his eyes.

            "Devan?" dinig niyang tawag sa kanya ni Exequiel, but she didn't budge.

            Nakita ni Blaire na napahawak ang buntis niyang kaibigang si Reneth sa braso ni Exequiel at katabi naman nito si Zandro na asawa nito at si Carlo. Para mga takot ang mga ito sa nakikita ng mga ito pero hindi alam ni Blaire kung ano bang ikinatatakot ng mga ito. She's not aware of what she looks like right now.

            Pinaghalong takot at pag-aalala ang nasa mga mata ng mga taong nasa harapan ni Blaire.

            "Everyone, out," dinig ni Blaire na maawtoridad na utos ni Exequiel sa lahat habang nakatingin pa rin sa mga mata niya. There was not a second that he took his eyes off her. Gladly, nagsisunuran ang lahat sa utos ni Exequiel.

            Nakita pa ni Blaire sa kanyang peripheral vision that her three friends—Carlo, Zandro, and Reneth—stopped beside her for a while bago tuluyang lumabas. But Blaire only remained staring at Exequiel's eyes.

            Katahimikan. Silang dalawa na lang ni Exequiel ang natira sa loob ng kusina at nanatili silang magkatitigan hanggang sa lumapit si Exequiel sa kanya at hinawakan siya sa magkabilang braso. "I'll come back," dinig ni Blaire na sabi sa kanya ni Exequiel.

            She didn't respond and he let her go and left the kitchen.

            She's left all alone, and that's when everything came crashing into her—everything: the pain, the happy memories that cannot be anymore, the loss, the loneliness. Lahat-lahat.

            Parang walang buhay na linakad niya ang distansya mula sa kanyang kinatatayuan patungo sa lagayan ng mga baso sa loob ng kusina. She took one glass and didn't even bother checking if the Whiskey bottle that she took from the shelf has already been opened or not.

            She took off the bottle's cap and poured Whiskey in her glass. She downed all its contents in one go, then she poured herself another glass and drank all of it again. Then, another one.

            Pumikit si Blaire at sinubukang tanggalin ang sakit na nararamdaman ng kanyang dibdib. She took deep breaths pero parang maski ang paghinga'y sobrang hirap gawin. Humigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa basong hawak-hawak.

            Sinubukan na naman niyang huminga pero nahihirapan talaga siya, so she took a sip from her glass, hoping that that would do the trick, pero hindi. Nahihirapan pa rin siya. Mas nahihirapan siya.

            Fuck, mura niya.

            Iminulat ni Blaire ang kanyang mga mata at dumako ang mga iyon sa kanyang kanang kamay na nakahawak sa baso. Nanginginig ito at gano'n din ang kaliwang kamay niyang nakapatong lamang sa ibabaw ng kitchen table.

            Emotional pain is harder to bear than physical pain, because any attempt to conceal emotional pain creates more burden than trying to treat yourself after encountering physical pain; it is easier to say, "My feet hurt from walking too long" than to say, "My heart is broken...I am broken."