such a softer sin | gerbert

chapter forty nine

Gerard lays in the warm tattooed arms of Bert who's currently passed out. It's 2 am, despite being exhausted Gerard's wide awake. He's too worried about Bert to be able to sleep. He can't get over what happened this morning, can't get over the fact that he was capable of loosing control, blacking out like that.

"Bert what the fuck is wrong with you. Let him go." Gerard says from behind. Not daring to step close to them in case Bert decides to strike a punch on Liam and cause it to escalate. Not knowing what he's capable of when angry like this. Not chancing it when his baby brother is home and in the other room.

Bert takes a deep breath as he keeps the eye contact that he's yet to break with the trembling guy pinned to the wall. Letting go of the grip, Liam quickly moves away of him. Not wasting any time before grabbing his coat before hurrying out of the apartment.

Bert just puts his hands on the wall, dropping his head as he sighs. Gerard wraps his arms around himself as he stares at him, shocked. He's never seen Bert get angry, let alone violent.

Gerard stands still in place as he stares at his distressed lover. He takes a deep brestb before stepping towards him, gently placing a hand in Bert's back. Bert just pulls away from the wall and hugs Gerard tightly, burying his face in his red hair. "I'm so sorry, I'm so so sorry."

"Bert this isn't you. Tell me what's going on, what's happening." Gerard whispers into his shoulder as they hug. Rubbing his hand along his back as they hug, really worried about him. Knowing this isn't him, this isn't the kind of man he is.

But he gets no response to the plea. Just another heartbreaking "I'm sorry."

Gerard gets out of the grasp of Bert's warm arms and into the cold finding some sweatpants. Walking down the hall and after checking on his brother to make sure he's asleep, he goes into the living room. Using the laptop, Gerard searches the local post traumatic stress disorder hotline number before grabbing the home phone and dialing it.

"Hi, I'm concerned that a close friend of mine may be suffereing from PTSD. I was wondering if you could help me confirm it. Them maybe I can help him." Gerard says when the call is answered by a females voice who greets him and asks the nature of his call.

"Of course. Common symptoms of ptsd can range from nightmares and anxiety to hostility and anger depending on the situation. I can better help you if I knew what trauma he endured, if you know." The female voice asks kindly. Gerard takes a sharp breath before responding.

"Domestic abuse. He's out of the relationship and has been for several months, but here recently he isn't acting like himself. I thought maybe be was just upset but it's gotten worse." Gerard hesitates to answer.

"Trauma of domestic violence, especially in men can be hard to deal with. When untreated, ptsd can take over. His sleep, his emotions. Tell me about his behavior, what has you worried?" The woman asks. Gerard feels guilty about this, but he's worried.

"First it was just that he was really anxious and afriad a lot. Then he wasn't sleeping, he'd come over at 2 am so I'm having him stay here. He wakes up every night panicked. This morning it's like he blacked out and raged over something small. He's never gotten angry like that." Gerard says.

"It's rare for victims to resort to violence, but it happens. But if he's never shown any signs of aggression before even after months then I don't think that it's him entirely. Going untreated takes a toll on someone's mind, especially after being a subject of physical abuse for so long. Talk to him about treatment, you may even be able to help him yourself." The lady answers.

"Thank you, this helps a lot." Gerard sadly smiles before getting off the phone with her. Feeling his heart physically ache in his chest. He can't even begin to imagine how much pain Bert's in. This morning wasn't him and Gerard knows that, he can't hold that against him.

Gerard's going to talk to him about, going to help him through it.

• • •

Gerard smiles against his soft lips, running his hand down Bert's bare tattooed side as they make out. It's roughly 4 am and they're still in bed in the dark. His alarm for work just went off, waking them both up. Despite the fact Gerard only got two hours of sleep.

"Can't you just stay home today?" Bert mumbles as he kisses down his jaw. Wanting to stay in bed and kiss him all day. Though knowing that they can't, but wishing. He feels really bad about yesterday, Bert even scared himself after seeing that he blacked out and did something like that. In-front of Gerard.

"Actually, yeah. I think I'm going to take a few days off, let Mikey go stay with his friend for the week and spend some alone time with you." Gerard says. He wants to take the week to talk to Bert and spend a few days helping him and if not- getting him help from a program.

Bert lifts his head, looking at Gerard. Shocked and a little confused. It's not like Gerard to just take time off. "Really?"

"Yeah. You and I need to spend some alone time." Gerard says, moving some of Bert's hair back behind his shoulder. Bert smiles a softly kisses him, squeezing the red head closer. Honestly excited about this week.

[it physically hurt me to write this one]