such a softer sin | gerbert

chapter fifty

Bert can't help but to crack a smile as he watches Gerard laugh across the booth table. The two went out for fries and shakes again. Mikey's gone at his friends house, he was really excited to hear that he gets to spend a few days with Pete. Gerard knew he would be, that's why he wasn't worried about Mikey leaving for a week.

"So why are you taking time off and sending Mikey off again?" Bert asks before sipping his shake. Still a little confused as to why Gerard suddenly chose to take a few days off from work and send Mikey away. Leaving just the two of them all week. It's very unlike Gerard to even take a single shift off, let alone the entire week from both jobs.

"I told you, I need the time off and there are some things you and I need to talk about. What's so wrong with that?" Gerard says while stiring his drink. Becoming quite defensive, on edge as he's holding back a lot. The anticipation of the days to come, the discussion.

"Okay, I believe you. What do we need to talk about?" Bert asks. A little concerned but trying to shrug it off. Wanting to know what's so important that he'd take time off just to discuss. Worried Gerard may be considering breaking up with him for what happened the other day with Liam.

"We have all week, we can talk about it later. But for now, I want to talk about you. You haven't told me much about your family. Parents, relatives, anything." Gerard says. He's been curious about how Bert hid his gay relationship from his family and friends. An abusive one especially.

"They're back in Utah. My mom means the absolute world to me. My dad's a bit of a dick sometimes, always been hard on me. But it's tough love. Grandparents who live out in the middle of the woods." Bert chuckles as he thinks about his family. "Along with a shit ton of cousins."

"That's sweet. I'm sure they're really proud of you, how far you and your band's come." Gerard says as he bites into a fry. Making Bert laugh softly, seemingly thinking back at his family and their ridiculous ways. Gerard's happy to see that he has a good relationship with them, most of them at least. His mom especially it seems.

"My mom's been my biggest fan since the beginning. My dad wasn't happy with it at first, but now he loves it. He was just worried that it wouldn't work out, which I get." Bert explains with a sweet smile. He loves his family, his parents mean so much to him. He's definitely a mama's boy.

"How have you kept being gay from them for so long? The guys especially, since you live and travel together." Gerard asks curiously as they haven't really discussed it. Considering how sensitive of a topic it is for Bert.

"Told them I met a girl and wasn't ready for them to meet her. They bought it somehow, though it really pissed Jeph off that I didn't want them to meet 'her' even after being together for almost two years. Zach was apart of our friend group at the time, but they didn't know we were together. Sorta like how it is now with us." Bert says.

Gerard chuckles softly as he thinks back to what Dan said at the bar. How he knows Bert never had a girlfriend and that he knows it was a guy. How he knows he's gay. It's not Gerard's place to tell him that Dan knows he's gay, not right now at least. Not with everything Bert's already going through.

Gerard finds it really sweet that Dan knows that Bert's gay but hasn't brought it up to him, which would have forced him to come out. But still looking out for him. Talking to Gerard as he seems to know that something's going on between them.

"What about you? Are you out to the rest of your family? I know you mentioned that you aren't close to a lot of them, but how about your mom? Grandparents maybe?" Bert asks curiously as he eats a fry he dipped in his frosty chocolate shake.

"Actually no. I came out to Mikey, my close friends and my mom, that's it. I struggled with my sexuality for a long time, like you. Mikey was so supportive of me, my mother didn't like it but she supported me regardless." Gerard says. Knowing exactly what Bert's feeling about the fear of coming out.

"How did you do it? I mean, how did you gather the courage to do it?" Bert asks, scooting to the edge of his seat. Mikey mentioned the same thing, that Gerard went through a lot handling his sexuality and coming out to him.

"It was hard. I was going through a lot during the time and keeping my feelings a secret only made it all worse. I took a shot and told Mikey. He me tell my closest friends. They supported me and actually helped me tell my mom. Once you finally get it out, you feel so free." Gerard can't help but to smile as he thinks back.

"That's amazing. I wish I could be brave like you. I hope one day I'll be able to come out." Bert says. He wishes he could be as strong and brave as Gerard. To be able to come out, admit to himself that he is who he is.

"You'll be able too, on your own time. We're young sugar, we've got all the time in the world." Gerard reassures him. As much as hiding their relationship sucks, he doesn't want Bert to feel pushed or pressured into coming out. As long as Gerard's with him, he doesn't mind. Bert means everything to him, public or private.

The two take their shakes to go and exit the retro diner into the cold. "We should make a habit of this. Getting out of the apartment together. Even if it's just to this diner for shakes, I like it."

"Yeah, we should. I really enjoy getting out and talking. Plus it gives us an excuse to eat a lot of fries and get a drink." Gerard laughs. Bert smiles, looking at the pretty red head under the glow of a orange dimmed street lamp that pass under. Absolutely in love.

The two walk back to the apartment through the cold. Talking on the way, their usual cute banter and discussing Criminal Minds. It's so easy for them to talk, they never seem to run out of things to talk about. They're very open to each other about most things.

• • •

Gerard wakes from his unconscious state feeling the tattooed arms that keep him warm begin to tremble. Soft mumbling of Bert's raspy voice breaking the silence of the dark room. Opening his eyes, he sees the red numbers on the alarm clock read 2:34 am.

"I'm sorry." Bert's shaky voice mumbles in his sleep. His eyes squeezed closed as he sleeps, beginning to hyperventilate. He continues to unconsciously mumble. "It's my fault, I know- I know."

Gerard sits up in bed, not knowing what to do. But knows that he always wakes up after a bad dream, like he has every night for the past 3 weeks. Gerard's heart aches as he watches his lover tremble in fear, whimper in his sleep. He can't even begin to imagine the horrors he went through that still haunt him even in his dreams.

As the minutes pass Bert's pleas grow louder. "I told you I'm sorry! What- What do you want me to do?"

"Bert, wake up. It's only a dream." Gerard says softly, placing a hand on Bert's shoulder. He can't continue to watch him in pain like this. He can't listen to the begs and cries of his lover, God knows what's going on inside of that nightmare of his.

Only for Bert to jult up a little, grabbing Gerard's wrist and yanking his hand away from him in instinct and fear. Panting and sweating, the hand that tightly grips Gerard's wrist trembles. "Don't fucking touch me."