such a softer sin | gerbert

chapter sixty five

Gerard wakes feeling a painful pounding sensation to his head, eyes not wanting to open. Feeling a warm bare body pressed against him from behind, a steady breath against his shoulder. A split second he smiles to himself feeling warm inside thinking it's Bert in bed with him again. A split second of peace, not remembering the past 2 weeks. Not remembering that Bert left.

But that split second painfully comes to an end and it all comes back to him. Gerard sits up almost immediately, looking at the sleeping naked man in bed with him. Quickly getting out of bed, he puts on shorts before standing and panicking. Looking at the man he recognizes from the bar last night, barely able to remember anything. Gerard begins gathering all of the mans clothing that's littered all around the room. His body sore from last night, his body disgustingly sticky. Guilt weighing over his chest. Gerard hits the mans leg that hangs off the bed. "Wake up, wake up now. You need to leave."

"Hm? Let's pick up where we left off." The man hums as he wakes, seeing Gerard gathering his things. Biting his lip as he stares at the red head who has hickeys littered along his neck and chest. Thinking about the things they did, thinking about Gerard.

"No. This never happened, understand? You need to get up, get dressed and just leave. Now." Gerard says, tossing his clothes to the drunk asshole in his bed. Angry at himself for letting himself get drunk, for letting himself go home with some random man. Angry at this guy for taking advantage of the fact Gerard was wasted.

"Feisty, I like it. Though I'll remind you that you definitely didn't want me gone last night." The man grins getting out of bed with his clothes. Gerard scoffs looking away from the naked man, feeling wrong for this even though technically him and Bert aren't together anymore. Gerard loves Bert, that'll never change. Even if Bert's the asshole who left with no word.

Gerard grabs the mans phone and wallet, pushing it into his  chest. "I was drunk and hurting asshole, that's the only reason I even gave you the light of the day. Now leave."

The man chuckles and leaves the room, leaving Gerard alone. Sighing, Gerard sits on the edge of the bed and buries his face in his hands. His heart pounding in his chest. He forces himself up and runs himself a bath before getting in. Laying in the bathwater, staring at a hickey on his thigh from last night.

• • •

Gerard talks with Pail, his head pounding and body sore. Guilt weighing over him and not lightening up. He wishes he could go back and not have drunk sex, go back and keep Bert from leaving that night. Gerard misses him more anything, he just wants so badly to hug him. To feel his arms around him, to be reassured and comforted through the pain, the guilt and the self hatred he's feeling.

Glancing over Pail's shoulder, Gerard feels his heart break when he sees the man walk in. Dropping his head and exiting behind the bar, using the backdoor to exit the bar. Wrapping his arms around him as he leans against the brick wall of the dark ally, taking a deep breath. That is until he hears a soft familiar voice.

"G-Gerard?" He hears a soft voice that nearly makes his heart ache out of his chest. Turning, Gerard looks at Bert who stands a few feet away from him. He freezes as he looks at the his lover. His lover who left him without saying a word two weeks ago. "Can we talk?"

Gerard examines him. The bags under his red rimmed eyes, examining his sweatpants and t-shirt. Messy hair and shaking hands. But how Gerard's missed his those beautiful blue eyes, those soft lips and warm arms. "Talk? You left. Two weeks of nothing, no calls or texts. You just left. Where was 'talking' then?"

"I- I know and I know you're hurt. Just hear me out, please. If after you still don't want to forgive me then I understand and I'll leave you alone." Bert asks for a chance. Gerard fiddles with his fingers, giving him a light nod to tell him to talk. To explain his reasoning. Wrapping his arms around himself as the wind picks up. Not to mention the weight and body heat he's lost these past few weeks. Everything going on he hasn't really taken care of himself, hasn't barely eaten ontop of tbe alcohol he's been drowning himself in.

"I threw a lamp at you Gerard, I raised my fist at you. If you didn't yell fear I would have actually hit you. I don't want to put you through what I went through with Zach, the abuse and pain. So I was going to leave and stay gone, for your safety." Bert explains, stepping closer. He understands if Gerard wants nothing to do with him, Bert knows how badly he hurt him.

Gerard shakes his head. "No that isn't fair. You don't just pick up and leave because you feel guilty. We are- were a couple Bert, we figure things out together. You aren't the only fucking person going through things, I needed you just as much as you needed me. Why'd you come back then?" Gerard says, fighting the tears that brim his eyes. Threatening to fall with so much as even a blink.

"I know, and I'm so sorry. Mikey called, that ontop of your voicemails. I knew it was wrong, that I needed to come back. I know you were dealing with a lot before I left, that you relapsed. I'm so sorry Gerard." Bert says stepping closer, wanting so desperately just to hold and comfort him through this tough time. The tough time he's putting Gerard through.

Gerard hugs him, letting the tears slip. Bert hugs him tightly, letting the red head cry into his shoulder. Resting his face in his hair. "I'm so sorry baby, I'm so so sorry."

[ the end of this book is coming
>:( BUT i have a vv good idea for a new gerbert book (; ]