such a softer sin | gerbert

chapter fifty one

"Bert, wake up. It's only a dream." Gerard says softly, placing a hand on Bert's shoulder. He can't continue to watch him in pain like this. He can't listen to the begs and cries of his lover, God knows what's going on inside of that nightmare of his.

Only for Bert to jult up a little, grabbing Gerard's wrist and yanking his hand away from him in instinct and fear. Panting and sweating, the hand that tightly grips Gerard's wrist trembles. "Don't fucking touch me."

Gerard remains quiet as he just looks at Bert whose grip stays tight. Not startled or afraid like most would be, he trusts Bert. He knows this isn't him, knows he's delirious right now. He watches as Bert looks around in room, quite distraught before looking back at the red head. Realizing his surroundings.

He looks at his own hand gripped onto Gerard wrist before gasping slightly and immediately letting go. Gerard rubs his acheing wrist before standing up. "Come on baby, come get in the shower."

Bert gets out of bed and follows Gerard into the bathroom. Standing there as he watches Gerard turn on the water for him. Still a little distraught, still trembling. His body sweaty, his heart racing and head pounding. Not to mention the overwhelming guilt for what he did.

"Get in, I'll get you a towel and some clothes." Gerard says softly. Gerard leaves and grabs a towel, finding some sweatpants and a hoodie since it's cold. Walking back into the bathroom where Bert's in the shower.

Gerard sits on the edge of the sink as he waits for his lover to get out. Worried about him, how distraught he was after the nightmare. After Gerard startled him by waking him up, just by touching him. And to know that he goes through this every night?

His thoughts are interrupted by the water turning off. Gerard hands him his towel, staying sat on the bathroom counter. Watching as Bert comes out from the shower, looking exhausted but seeming better. Gerard hands him his clothes, no words exchanged. Bert dries off and gets dressed while Gerard sits there in thought.

He doesn't know what to say. He's upset for Bert, it breaks his heart to see the man he's in love with in so much pain. What words could Gerard possibly say to suffice the topic of the pain he's in?Bert finishes dressing, turning to Gerard sat on the sink. Examining the tears in the red heads eyes that watch him.

Bert grabs his hand, lifting it and examining Gerard's wrist where he'd grabbed him hardly. "I'm so sorry baby, I didn't hurt you did I? I'm so sorry."

"No no, I'm okay. It barely hurt." Gerard says, forcing a sad smile despite the tears in his eyes. He moves a damp strand of Bert's long black hair back behind his ear and out of his face. Hesitant to touch him again, not after how he reacted before. Knowing he didn't mean it, just being careful.

"Why are you crying then?" Bert asks, his hands gripping Gerard's bare thighs since he's up higher. They were sleeping, so he doesn't have pants on, just boxers. Examining the tears that gloss over his beautiful hazel eyes.

"I'm just worried." Gerard says, his bottom lip beginning to quiver as he fights back his tears. Bert sighs sadly and hugs him tightly, seeing he's upset over him, this. Gerard burries his face in his shoulder as they hug, taking in his embrace. He's worried for Bert, hurting for him.

Bert rests his face in the red hair his hand runs through. His other running Gerard's back. "It's okay, don't cry Gee. I'm okay, really."

"No you aren't. If I thought it was getting better then that'd be one thing. But- But it's getting worse. You have nightmares, you're angry and depressed. Don't tell me you're okay because you're not." Gerard sniffles into his shoulder, gripping his back lightly.

"I know, I'm trying to get better. I just need time." Bert says and Gerard pulls away from the hug. Wiping his cheeks in attempt to stop crying and calm down. He shouldn't let Bert see him cry, not when he's dealing with his own things.

Gerard cups his cheek, offering a sad smile. "I love you."

• • •

Bert plays with Gerard's red hair as they sit on the couch together. Watching a movie thouch Gerard passed out only 20 minutes in. He isn't going to wake him up, they didn't get much sleep last night. Bert just enjoys the smaller boys precence.

He feels so guilty. First he got violent, then he grabbed him roughly, then cursed towards him in a threatening tone. Stressed and worried Gerard to the point of tears. Bert will never forgive himself for this, for putting Gerard through this.

"Mm what time is it?" Gerard mumbles into Bert's tatooed neck where his face rests. Laid at his side on the couch, waking by Bert's sigh. Realizing he'd fallen asleep during their movie.

"10 pm, do you want to go get in bed Gee?" Bert asks, running his hand along Gerard's arm as they lay under the warm blanket together. Both of them dreading ever getting up, knowing the cold waits for them outside the blanket that traps their body heat.

"No, let's stay here tonight." Gerard hums, tiredly placing a soft kiss in his neck. Bert sighs again, bothered by the fact that Gerard isn't even the slightest mad by what he did. By grabbing him. All he seems to care about his just Bert being upset, no care for himself?

"Why aren't you mad at me?" Bert blurts rather randomly. Regretting it almost instantly, worried it might actually piss him off. Don't get him wrong, he's more than grateful that Gerard's so understanding and patient with him. It's just that he hasn't said anything about it, hasn't adressed it.

"Because you haven't done anything wrong. Last night was my fault, I shouldn't have touched you. You were distraught, you didn't realize what you were doing, you were hardly awake. I should have known better." Gerard says half asleep, eyes still closed as his face still remains in his neck.

Bert places a kiss on the top of his head. "Get some sleep baby."