Lyrics

If I Can't Have You Pt.3 - Camila

I had to give Shawn credit, 'terrifying nirvana' was a good way to describe performing at the Grammys. I was exhausted but on cloud nine as I sat in my dressing room afterward, taking a moment to myself before I had to start getting ready for the After Party. We'd already started celebrating with shots of tequila after the performance and I would have liked nothing more than to grab a burger and head home, but this was as important a part of the awards as performing.

Neither Shawn nor I had won on the night but that didn't matter too much. We'd been here, we'd performed, and we'd established ourselves as serious artists. My heart was bursting with joy just thinking about it.

As though on cue, a knock on the door brought me out of my daydream and I opened it to reveal the very same tall, handsome Canadian that was always filling my thoughts. His eyes were alive with happiness and he looked like he'd been running.

"You were INCREDIBLE!!" He cheered loudly, lifting me up and spinning me around. I was laughing too much - the tequila shot and adrenalin from my performance going straight to my head. Once he set me down, he closed the door and looked around. "Where is everyone?" He asked, his dazzling smile faltering slightly.

I was still laughing as I replied, "I kicked them out you nosy Canadian, I needed some peace and quiet." I stared pointedly at him, he had the decency to look guilty, but I only grabbed his hand in response and pulled him to the nearest chair. "No no, it's ok don't worry, you don't count." I said, waving my hand at him. "They were all just getting a bit rowdy and I needed a couple of minutes to recalibrate before the party, that's all." I qualified. "Which after party are you going to, by the way?" I asked, realising I had been talking too fast.

"Erm Calvin Klein is actually throwing me one." He said, running his hands through his hair in embarrassment. I gawked at him.

"You're the next Calvin Klein poster boy?! Canadian Fury and CK? Damnnnn boy!" I said, pinching his arm and teasing him, but feeling incredibly proud all the same.

He waved me off, "It's not a big deal. What was a big deal was that Havana set! I'm in awe!" He raved, expertly turning the subject around.

I laughed, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "I had the best time. I thought I was going to pee myself on stage I was so nervous, but it went perfectly! I can't wait to get some new material together and start performing again." I said excitedly. The whole event had given me the performing bug again.

Shawn's eyes lit up, "I'm glad you say that, because I wanted to talk to you again...about Señorita." He said softly.

I froze in my seat. I didn't know where this was going but talking about Señorita usually opened a can of worms, emotionally and physically, for me. I didn't say anything, I just stared at him. He took it as his cue to continue...

"I've been thinking and, well I've been an idiot. A 'class A' idiot." He started, I didn't like it when he talked like that, so I grabbed his hands and started shaking my head to protest but he just carried on. "The thing is, what I said in New York is still the same and I'm sorry my timing is so off." He looked apologetically at me, stroking my hand with his thumb, "But I've thought about it and I've decided that making Señorita with you is an opportunity I can't miss. Your love and passion for what you do is what makes your music so powerful and I need that in my life right now. I need you in my life, even just as a collaborator." He was talking so quickly; I didn't think he'd taken a breath for the whole thing.

I didn't know what to do anymore, my heart was in my hands, which were being held by this beautiful man. But I had another incredible man in my life, one who would do anything for me, one who was waiting for me at home. I thought about the dangers of my feelings for Señorita , and for Shawn. Staring into his beautiful eyes now, him pleading me like this, I was going to break into a million pieces with either decision I made.

"I ...I don't know." I finally choked out, my voice going completely. He definitely wasn't breathing now, but his hands were still wrapped around mine. "Shawn, I don't know what to do?" I started, a couple of tears escaping despite myself.

Immediately, he was sitting next to me and trying to calm me. "It's ok, we don't have to decide now. Take your time, I just need you to know why it's what I want. I'm sorry for confusing you. I'm sorry if it's hurting you." He also choked out, hugging me as he said it. I couldn't think straight but I knew that this type of behaviour would lead us down a rabbit hole. It was Toronto all over again except this time, a lot more was at stake. I sat up and composed myself. After a couple of moments of looking at our hands, I made my decision.

"We can do the song, but not right now. I have a trip to Dubai tomorrow for a week and then a couple of trips to Europe after that." He stared at me, about to give me his rebuttal, so I added, "they're not strictly work trips, Shawn." Hoping he'd understand what I was trying to say.

He understood just fine, his whole-body language changed, becoming more closed, reserved. He took his hand from mine but kept sitting close. "Ok, that's ok, I leave for my European tour soon too." He countered. I nodded, ok, that was good, we both had lives around this song, it was ok I told myself, trying to calm my breathing.

"How about I get a couple of our favourite writers to look over it whilst we're away. Ones who know us and know how we work, to see what they can add to the song? Then we reassess when we're both back?" He said hopefully.

I considered it for a while, then nodded whilst adding, "Ok, but they are NOT getting rid of any of our current lines, that's a condition of mine." I said passionately, he nodded in agreement before I carried on, "and if none of them can pronounce Señorita properly, I don't want them on the track." I said sternly, my inner diva still alive after the show.

Shawn simply cocked his eyebrow and grinned cheekily, "Latin Sass indeed" he smiled more broadly now. Seeing him light up like that was balm to my soul, the panic from moments ago settling a bit.

"Ok, we have a deal?" He asked seriously, offering me his hand.

I nodded, "Acuerdo.", when he looked confused, I shook his hand and said, "Shawn Mendes, we are about to make a Spanish inspired song, the least you could do is learn some Spanish words!" He burst out laughing and practically tackled me with a hug so tight, I thought he may never let go. Not that I wanted him to.