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a few minutes after carl walked out, i dropped lola off to story time, and now, i was hurrying my way outside to find daryl before he and the others leave to go on a much needed supply run. as soon as i exited the cellblock and came outside, i saw everyone scattered about, hanging laundry on clotheslines, chattering, eating at the picnic tables, yet it's crazy to think that this whole area used to be filled with dead bodies, trash, blood. now it's clean again, as if nothing had happened.
scanning the whole courtyard, i managed to catch daryl riding towards the first gate with the two cars behind him. i started jogging towards him immediately, "daryl!" he slows down on his bike and turns around, waiting for me to catch up with him. breathing heavily, i abruptly stop in front of him. i hold the folded piece of paper out to him, "while you're out there, try and find more of these things, okay?"
he nods, "okay." replying in a mumbled tone. i playfully slap his cheek before starting to back up, he raises his eyebrow and gives me a "are you serious" look. i just laugh, waving goodbye to him as the guard at the first gate opens it wide enough for the vehicles.
watching them drive away in the distance, i began to think about her sister. karleen, my poor, sweet fucking sister, who didn't deserve an ounce of what she got. i remember the last time my sister ever took a drive, just before she was killed. i wouldn't be able to handle it if someone i loved were to come back dead. even though it had been many months since kathleen's death, i didn't want to think about another one occurring, i just couldn't.
i was too zoned out to even realize who had been staring at me this whole time. dropping my thoughts, i shift my eyes to the one person i didn't wanna see, rick. eye contact was immediately made as soon as my eyes laid on him. he shifted his weight to his other foot. feeling an intimating expression on my face, i cross my arms across my chest. that's when rick started walking over to me quickly.
as my stomach started to churn in shock and fear, i instantly whipped around and started to walk away, i wasn't in the right state of mind to speak to anyone right now, especially him. i needed to be by myself, especially when i was sure a panic attack was on its way. "nikki!" i heard him call at some distance behind me.
i just ignored him, i'll apologize for it later whenever we get to talking again, i mean, look where we are. no one but each other in this community. when i made it to the cell lock, i headed down the hallway quickly and shut the door behind me. now i was alone, the tears sprang on quick, and i could feel my lungs beginning to constrict with air. my heart ached, i curled a fist around my top, and sobbed quietly.
my sister is dead, she's dead. even after all this time, i still find myself struggling to believe it. i expect to walk into her cell and see her reading another dumb gossip magazine, but it's not hers anymore. it's michonne's, because it's been several months since it happened and everyone's moved on. but not me, no.
i caught a glimpse of myself in the shattered mirror hanging on the wall. i could see the tears welling up in my eyes, my face slowly turning a pinkish color. i felt my ankles start to become weak, i could feel my heart pounding through my eardrums. my hair was puffed up and my under eyes were a dark shade of red, i hadn't slept in a full day. i'm such a mess.
leaning against the sink under the broken mirror, i clenched the sides in anger as a tear started to slowly roll down my face. to keep in my cries, to prevent anyone hearing me, i cup a hand over my mouth, letting out my muffled sobs. i have to be okay, for lola, for carl, for the community, but it's just so hard. how am i supposed to cope with all this anger building up inside me?
and then an idea popped up in my head. i have to get out of here, i've been cooped up in this prison for too long and hadn't killed a walker in weeks. it's time to leave for a couple hours, everyone'll be fine.
