Beautiful Disaster

Ch.29

When the break was over and school started up again I was at an all time high.

Our testing scores came back in and I had passed. I was extremely proud of myself because I studied my ass. As a reward Alec took me on a late night date to Auntie Annies and I loved it.

The weather wasn't as cold as it usually is and January was slowly coming to an end.

I had barely seen Alec these last few weeks because of much he was up studying and cramming for his upcoming almost the end of the year exam for his Forensics class.

He was majoring in Forensics Psychology and the reason why was because it's something his father always talked about but once he started taking the course he carried it out more for himself. He was just glad he could make his father proud while also doing a career he loved.

So to make a long story short- life was nothing short of good. Although I was supposed to be feeling lighter for the past 2 days my body had felt like it was weighed down by rocks.

The first day I tried to ignore the need to crawl into bed, the second day I had gave into that same need during 3rd period by going home but today I had decided to not even get out of bed.

I didn't know why my depression decided to make an appearance the past few days. I mean life wasn't perfect and it never was but lately nothing had gone wrong. Every relationship I was currently holding with my peers seemed to be adequate. Nobody had died and nothing bad had happened.

So why did I currently feel like crying for the world right now?

The days that followed went just the same. I sat in my room with the lights off and I could tell mom was worried but she was scared to ask.

Dina had called and came by but when she saw my current state she just laid next to me without saying a word. Alec had came but when he asked what was wrong so couldn't tell him because I didn't know. Even Marco was worried because I noticed he called to check up on me but all I could do was let it ring.

I decided not to be a burden so I started to ignore everyone.

I guess that's the thing about being diagnosed with depression, it comes in waves and disturbs all the peace you've been able to create around you but when you're diagnosed with anxiety as well it's even worse.

I wanted to answer for my friends, I truly did. I was scared if I didn't they would hate me or forget me even though deep deep down I knew they wouldn't but I also didn't want to be a burden to them. They all had things going on in there own life they didn't need my crap too.

My depression didn't like company and it felt like my two worst enemies were currently in a battle and I was the only one having to take the blows.

I couldn't eat for the first few days. Everything my mom would bring me would end up sitting on my bedside table until she came to pick it up again. However the days after that were filled with me binging on everything I could get my hands on.

If I had to say my binging days were by far the worst because I don't eat because I'm hungry. No, I eat so my stomach can feel full. So a part of me can feel something because I currently couldn't feel anything but the need to disappear and start over. I would take crying in bed over feeling numb any day.

I hated every aspect of life right now and I didn't know why. I hated myself for not being able to change the world and I hated the world for not being able to change itself.

After a week of this routine mom had finally done what she'd probably been dying to say. "Sweetheart, you need to go see your dad."

And that one line caused me to do something other than what I've done for this whole week. I laughed.