American Teen [George Weasley Love Story]

Broken

Just as I thought, I'm unable to get out of the cave this time. It's not the same as the drowning feeling I felt at Christmas. I'm not being suffocated or overwhelmed. I'm completely shut off. I've  receded into a place where I can successfully block all emotions. From this cave, I'm fully functional in terms of going through the motions. 

My friends are all concerned for me. I don't laugh or smile anymore. I hardly acknowledge their presence. I just get up, get ready, eat, and go to class. I do my homework. I don't have time to mess around. At quidditch practice I score goals. I do what I need to do. Then I go back in sleep. In fairness, this is the best I've ever slept. Nightmares don't reach me in this cave.

The teachers are all concerned for me as well. Flitwick notices. He keeps an annoying close eye on me all class. But we're reviewing, so it doesn't worry me. Hagrid does too. I'm usually very eager in Care of Magical Creatures. I volunteer a lot, especially since there's only three other kids in class with me. But now I don't. I go when called, but that's it. Sprout notices. I'm never fairly interested in Herbology, but I do ask question about the medicinal properties or how these plants could be used in potions. I'm quiet now. McGonagall is very concerned. She asked me if I'm okay. I respond that I've never been better. And it's true. I'm no longer weighed down by the anxiety and pain. Because I no longer feel. Everytime an emotion comes up, I just push it down. There's no place for that here. Even Snape notices and seems genuinely concerned. Of course, my potion brewing never falters. 

Umbridge definitely notices. She might not have gotten the answers she wanted, but she got something much better. She broke me. Plain and simple. I do everything she tells me, nothing more. But one day when she leans down in class and asks, she asks did I brew the potion. I whisper back "what potion are you asking about?" We both know which one. I just act the part of broken girl.

It's not the healthiest coping mechanism, that's for sure. But it works. The only thing that can get me out of this is a long process that I have to consciously undertake in order to fully submerge myself back in reality. But that's the whole point of this-I don't want to take part in reality. Or a strong emotional shock. Because every time an emotion starts coming up, I push it back down and say I'll deal with it later. I never do. So I guess if something were to happen, and I'm overcome with emotions so strong that I can't suppress them, I could be pulled from my cave. Very reluctantly. Something like the death of a friend. For example, the shock of Cedric dying last year would've pulled me out of the fog. Of course, that was so traumatic that I would probably go right back once I controlled my emotions.