Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 34

I glanced around the living room uncomfortably. I didn't like being around my mom like this. It made me anxious. I didn't think I'd recently done anything wrong. She already knew I was gay and I didn't think she knew that me and Billie had something going on, so I didn't think she had anything on me right now. I never knew though. I could've been forgetting about something. Even if she somehow found out about me and Billie, what could she do? She couldn't do anything other than get mad at me. Fuck her. Fuck everything. I didn't care.

I furrowed my eyebrows, looking at a picture of me and my dad that'd been carelessly thrown onto the overcrowded table in front of the couch, reminding me of the conversation we had the day I shot myself. "Hey, mom?"

"Hm," she asked, not looking up from her phone.

"Why didn't you tell me that my dad wanted to see me or anything."

She sighed. "Camilla, I told you to quit asking. You have to let him go. You don't need him. He doesn't care about you. It's almost been two years. You don't need to go live with him. You don't need to even see him."

"Why did you tell me I was when we were at the hospital then?"

"I was mad at you."

"Okay, so why can't I see him?"

She turned her phone off and let out a sigh of frustration, looking up at me. "Because he's not good. He's not good for you. He's doesn't actually care. He just wants to take something else from me."

"Well, did you ever think just for one second—did it ever cross your mind that maybe for once, it's not about you?"

"Well, obviously. I just think you're mad because it's not about you."

"Well, excuse me for thinking that my dad wanting to see me was about him wanting to see me."

"He doesn't deserve to see you. I've tried getting in contact with him. Over and over. I've tried but last time I let him see you, I told him it was his last chance. He's just going to leave again."

"So, let him fucking leave again. I don't care. I should be allowed to have a say in the situation."

She shook her head, looking away from me and sighing. "You're so ignorant."

"Wonder where I get it from," I mumbled sarcastically.

"What?"

"Nothing."

-

"You promised," my mom yelled in Spanish. "No, no, no! I don't want to hear it!" She paused. "I know you don't care! You're not the one who has to see the look on her face when she realizes you're not gonna call back or when you cancel your plans! You didn't have to listen to her cry every night four years ago when you first started this bullshit!" My face heater up at that. Was she talking to my dad? She was quiet for a minute and then there was a loud noise. "I know this motherfucker did not just hang up on me! Ooh!" She shouted a bunch of profanities in Spanish, walking out the front door.

I opened the door and grabbed her arm. "Where are you going?"

"To smoke a cigarette. I thought you were hanging out with Billie today." I didn't think that she'd ever say anything like that. It was just her tone that got me. It was like she wanted me to go hang out with Billie. I didn't think she really cared where I went. She just wanted me to go away.

"I am. I'm just waiting on her to text me back."

She sighed. "Okay."

As if on cue, my phone rang, and I looked at it. It was Billie. I answered it and held the phone up to my ear. "Hello?"

"Hey. I'm home. You can come over now."

"Okay. I'll be there in a little bit."

"Alright. Bye."

"Bye." I opened the door and walked outside, hanging up the phone.

"Don't stay gone too long. It's getting late."

"Yes, ma'am." I made it to Billie's house in less than ten minutes. I knocked on the door and Maggie answered. "Hey, Maggie."

"Hey." She stepped aside and let me in. "I think Billie's in the backyard."

"Oh, okay. Thanks." I went into the backyard but I didn't see her.

There was a loud laugh behind me. "Camilla."

"Huh?" I quickly turned around to see Billie sitting on the roof. "What are you doing?"

"Vibing," she said jokingly, pointing to a ladder. "Come on."

"Uh, okay." I climbed up and sat beside her, looking around. The sky was a beautiful, swirly mix of blues, pinks, and yellows. "Guess what?"

"Hm?"

"I don't have to use my crutches at all anymore," I stated proudly.

"Ooh." She leaned over, hitting me with her shoulder. "Look at you go."

"How's your day been?" I asked after a minute.

"Pretty good." She smiled. "What about yours?"

I shrugged. "It was fine."

"Fine? Why wasn't it good?"

"I don't know. It was just fine. My mom's a bitch." I laughed.

"Oh." She nodded. "What'd she do?"

I shook my head. "Nothing important. What'd you do today?"

"Stop," she whined. "That's not a good answer. I didn't ask if it was important. I asked what it was about."

"I don't know. I just feel like maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of it."

"Just tell me."

"She won't let me see my dad. She said that he just wanted to see me to get back at her, and I just think that it's a pretty selfish thing of her to say. What if maybe he just actually wanted to see me, you know?"

"I thought she told you that you were gonna go live with him or something."

I shrugged. "Apparently, she only said that because she was trying to make me mad—I mean, he did want me to but she wasn't actually gonna make me."

"Oh. Okay, well..." She scooted back a little and turned towards me, tucking a piece of my hair behind my ear. "Obviously, I don't know much about the situation, but maybe she's scared that if she lets you see him, you'll want to go live with him. I know she's mean to you and stuff a lot but that's doesn't mean she doesn't still love you. She might be scared that you'll want to leave."

I didn't think about that. It didn't seem like a possibility. She didn't act like she liked me at all. "I don't know. I didn't think about that."

She wrapped her arm around me and kissed my cheek. "Damn. You just waltzed on back here and didn't even give me a kiss or anything."

"Sorry." I laughed. "I was a little distracted by the fact that you were on the roof." I sat up straight, looking at the ground. "I wanna jump down. I wonder if that'd hurt."

"I'm sure."

"I wanna try it."

"Don't."

I slid closer to the edge, smirking. "Well, now I'm curious."

"Don't do it."

"I'll be fine."

"Camilla, you have a problem." She grabbed me by my waist and pulled me back. "You just got told that you can stop using your crutches and you're already trying to fracture something else."

"I am not." I wiggled out of her grip and climbed down the ladder. She climbed down after me and grabbed my wrists, pulling me into a hug. She kissed my head, keeping her arms wrapped tightly around me. I sighed. "If you keep this up you're gonna be having an unexpected conversation with your mom in a few minutes."

Billie lets go of me. "I thought she was gone."

"No."

"Fuck this shit. Come on." She grabbed my hand and led me to her room.