Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 25

"Hey, Mom," I yelled as I looked through a drawer in her nightstand. "What happened to my Pokémon cards?"

"What is a Pokémon card?"

I turned around and looked at her like she was dumb, shaking my head. "Nevermind—oh. Here they are."

-

I knocked on Billie's door. I didn't see Maggie or Patrick's car in the driveway. I guessed they weren't not home. Billie opened the door and I walked in. "Brought my Pokémon cards," I said excitedly, throwing them down on the table with a sigh. I bit my lip, turning around to face Billie. "Okay. I'm done being a petty bitch now, I guess."

She nodded. "I'm sorry. That was like a total dickhead thing to say."

"No, no. I get it. Truth hurts." I shrugged. "But I'm cool if you're cool."

"Yeah. I don't—I don't have any Pokémon cards so..." She scratched her head, shrugging.

"I wasn't being serious, Billie. I'm just a bitch."

"No, you're not." She sighed.

I shook my head, not wanting to argue with her about whether I'm a bitch or not. I didn't know what to talk to Billie about or what to do with her. Even though I didn't always know she liked me, I always hoped she did. I always wanted her to. And I didn't know for sure that she didn't, so I could act however I wanted. Now, I knew that she didn't and I didn't know how to think properly.

My mind was always on Billie and now I had to force it to travel elsewhere. I liked thinking about Billie even when I didn't know if she liked thinking about me or not. Now, when I thought about Billie, it just hurt. It gave me something to do. It finally gave me a reason to smile at the very least. It finally gave me something to look forward to when I woke up. That seemed a little dramatic, but it was true. When I crush, I crush hard. I didn't know what the fuck a small crush was. The point was, I didn't know how to act around Billie anymore. I couldn't go back to "normal" because nothing ever was normal when it came to Billie—or anything else for that matter, but that wasn't the point.

"Camilla?"

"Hm?"

She shrugged. "You were just kinda spacing out. Everything cool?"

As much as I wanted to be petty, I wasn't going to. She wasn't obligated to like me. We weren't in an official relationship or anything. "Yeah. I'm fine."

She nodded. "So, have you been practicing with Astro a lot?"

I shrugged. "Kinda. She's learning."

She licked her lips, staring off to the side. "I thought you said she was straight."

I looked at her confusedly. "What? Can only gay girls play soccer or something?"

"No—no, that's not what I meant. It just... I don't know. Doesn't it kinda seem like she likes you or something?"

"I mean... not really."

"Well, you seem a little oblivious," she mumbled.

"Well, so do you," I snapped back.

"How am I oblivious?"

I shook my head, letting out a breath. "You're not, Billie. You're perfectly aware of everything around you—everybody around you."

"I think you're being sarcastic but—"

"No shit, Sherlock." I stood up. "I have to clean the house before my mom gets home, so..."

"You don't have to lie to me. You're going back to Astro, huh?"

"Well, what do you care? It's none of your business anymore. I don't owe you shit. I can hang out with whoever I want to, whenever I want to—no matter what their sexuality is. I'm too sad for you, but maybe not for Astro."

"Well, you can go fuck Astro for all I care." She shrugged. "You were probably gonna go do it anyways!"

I furrowed my eyebrows, tilting my head a little. "What are you implying?"

She opened her mouth and then closed it, her eyes glossing over as she realized her mistake. "I don't..."

I pressed my lips together, raising my eyebrows as I took a step towards her. "You don't?" I trailed off, waiting for her to continue. She didn't. "I don't need to hear that 'you're a slut' bullshit from you too! I've never fucked anybody and I can do whatever I want with my body anyways!"

"Well, I don't care what you do with your body! It's none of my business!"

"I know!"

"Then just go fuck Astro then!"

"Damnit, Billie!" I slammed my fist against the doorframe. "I don't—I don't—fuck! Leave me alone! You're so—Goddamnit!" I laughed angrily, my knuckles turning white as I squeeze the door frame. "I have to go before I say something I'll regret!" I walked out, slamming the door behind me, and punching the wall as I walked by. "Fuck!"

God. I kicked a chain-link fence as I continued towards my house, a tear slipping down my cheek. If I couldn't hurt somebody, at least I could cry. I swear that was, like, my life motto or something.

God. and I'm still somehow the one feeling guilty. How am I the one feeling guilty right now? She said she just wanted to be friends and I was cool with that. I mean, not really—but I didn't say anything. How was she gonna tell me she just wants to be friends and then get mad the second she thinks I like someone else? And then I'm the oblivious one? How does that work? God forbid I try to move on from Billie and she doesn't get every ounce of my attention for once. She was the one that was oblivious. She either didn't know or didn't care that the shit she said was kind of rude—or degrading, I guess. But I decided I wasn't gonna stress over Billie anyways. That idiot was in there freaking out over a straight girl with a boyfriend. Well, I didn't know if she was straight but I did know that she's not gay. She had a boyfriend and she was obsessed with him—and I, on the other hand, only had eyes for Billie.