Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 57

"Billie, you really gotta fucking chill with this shoe thing." I sighed.

"It's making me mad. It doesn't matter what color they look like. They're mint and white. I don't fucking care if they look pink and white."

"Do you even hear yourself? It doesn't matter what color the white and gold dress is because it looks blue and gold, and that's what's important... but it doesn't matter that the shoes look pink and white because they are mint and white."

"Shh. Shut up."

"I... okay. Whatever." I shook my head.

"Anyways..." She pulled me into a hug. "We're gonna stop talking about the shoes now."

I just laughed. I didn't feel like pointing out the fact that she was the one who kept bringing it up.

"How does it feel finally being done with school?"

"To be honest... pretty underwhelming so far. I have no idea what I'm doing with my life."

She nodded. "Cute. Okay, well... can we go outside? I'm tired of being in here."

"Sure."

She grabbed my hand and led me outside where she decided to just flop down on the ground. I sat beside her and looked up at the starless night sky, sighing. "I wish there were stars here—ones that we could see, I mean," Billie said.

"The closest thing I'm gonna find to a star here is you," I mumbled. It was true. She was definitely pretty but actual stars would've been nice too.

"At least you'll be able to see stars in Michigan." She looked down at me and I let my head fall as I scoffed.

I didn't know what I needed to do. How could I leave her? I didn't want to. I didn't want to leave her but I wanted to leave here and that meant leaving her. I had to pick my battles. I just really, really couldn't stay there. Not with everything going on.

"Sorry... sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." She pulled me into her lap and I turned to face her, wrapping my arms tightly around her waist as a lump burned in my throat. I just wanted to feel her and be there with her. I didn't want to feel all of the anger and sadness that was constantly echoing around my head when I wasn't with Billie, because that was what happened when I wasn't with Billie. And it shouldn't have been. I should've beeb able to be away from her without wanting to hurt myself. Billie was right a long time ago when she said that I was too sad to be with her. I was. I really did need to focus on my mental health. I didn't need to be away from her to do that because she encouraged me and I certainly would've been much worse off without her, but I couldn't do it there.

Just not yet.

"It's okay, baby," she whispered in my ear before kissing my head. "It's gonna be okay."

It just all hurt so bad. I'd never felt so terrible about anything that wasn't about me. I wasn't worried about me. I was worried about her because I knew that I was just as important to her as she was to me. And that was saying a lot. I didn't want to hurt her. I didn't want to make her sad or angry. I didn't want to be the cause of her tears or the reason she couldn't sleep at night. I didn't want to be what stopped her from wanting to go out and do what made her happy. I didn't want to be the one that stopped her from being happy. I didn't want to make her feel the way I felt right now because as terrible as it was to only just admit it when it was almost over, I loved her. I didn't want to tell her that before I left because that could make everything so, so much worse, but I loved her so fucking much.

And it hurts.