Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 49

T/W: self-harm/suicide

My heartbeat sped up as I looked between them confusedly. What did I do?

"W-what?"

Claudia showed us her screen, revealing a picture of Andrew in the bathtub at his house, deep cuts running up and down his wrists. It was almost exactly like what I saw in my dream. Rust colored strains dripped down the side of the bathtub, pooling in the floor.

I was gonna be sick. I ran to the bathroom, accidentally slamming the door behind me, and threw up in the toilet. After dry heaving for a little longer, nothing left in my stomach, I flushed the toilet and then sat on the ground. The room spun as my chest heaved, trying to fill itself with air.

I covered my mouth in an attempt to muffle my sobs. I thought that was a dream. I was so confused. And the picture was once again posted on my account. I didn't understand. I didn't understand how they even got access to a picture like that. Who was doing it?

I pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my forehead against my knees as the picture replayed in my mind over and over. His dead body. I just couldn't get it out of my head. The cuts on his arm. I grunted, pushing my head onto my knees harder. His lifeless eyes, wide-open staring right at the camera. I wanted it to stop.

He sat there and bled out. He suffered through that. He took a blade and cut his arm until he bled out in his own bathtub, and I didn't even know. That was the worst part. I never knew. I never knew that even after him sincerely promising to stick it out with me, he'd still do it.

He didn't leave a note, but I knew why. He didn't have to tell me because I already knew. I felt the same things. We went through all of it together, but in the end he died... and I lived.

I slid my hands into my hair, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn't stop. It wouldn't leave my mind.

I could hear voices outside the door but I couldn't decipher a single word.

"Hey," Claudia intervened after a few more minutes of listening to their conversation. "You should probably go check on her."

I sighed as somebody knocked lightly on the door. "Baby," Billie said softly. "Unlock it?"

I reached up and unlocked the door, wiping my cheek with my sleeve as she sat on the ground behind me and pulled me into her. My breath caught every few seconds from crying. I hated this.

"I'm so sorry that you had to see that picture." She sighed, kissing my cheek. "It's gonna be okay. I promise."

"What... I just... why the fuck is this a thing? Why is this happening? Who the hell even has access to pictures like that?"

"The only reason I think that picture was ever even taken was for the investigation afterwards, so... maybe an officer or somebody who works for the police or whatever."

I laid my head on her chest. "Should I delete my Instagram?"

"Maybe. Do you want me to do it?"

I nodded, handing her my phone. She handed it back after a few minutes. "It's gone."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, mama. Do you want me to take you home?"

I laughed humorlessly, shaking my head. "Not really."

"Okay." She kissed my head. "Do you at least wanna leave the bathroom?"

"Mm-hm." I stood up and looked in the mirror, wondering if it was obvious that I'd been crying. I wiped my eyes and sighed. It was.

"It's okay." She grabbed my hand and opened the bathroom door, pulling me into the living room.

Finneas pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted like that."

"No, it's okay. I get it. That was... terrible, and it was posted on my account so... that was a rational response."

I looked over at Claudia who was just staring at the kitchen counter, her head propped in her hands. I couldn't imagine that it affected any of them much less than it affected me. It definitely was not an easy thing to look at.

"Is it cool if Camilla stays the night?"

"Of course." Finneas sat down beside Claudia, rubbing her back and then kissing her head.

"Okay. Uh... who wants to play Uno?" Claudia looked around the room hopefully.

-

"You fucking bitch." I groaned, throwing my cards down. "You guys have to be cheating. How the hell do I end up with like half the deck every time?"

"Because you're trash." Billie raised her eyebrows, picking up the stack of cards and handing them to me. "Shuffle."

"Nuh-uh. I'm done with this. You guys are somehow cheating."

"You shuffled every time," Claudia pointed out.

"That's exactly why I don't know how you guys are cheating." I scooted my chair out from the table.

"Whatever." Finneas shook his head. "I was gonna win that round too. I know it."

"No, you weren't."

"I'm going to bed." He stood up and stretched before walking away.

"Me too. Goodnight, guys." Claudia walked off in the same direction as Finneas did.

Billie put all the cards in a box and turned to me, sighing. "Camilla, can I be honest with you?"

"Mm-hm."

She took a deep breath as she glanced around the room and then turned to me, her eyebrows knitting together. "From the beginning of whatever the hell's going on right now, we kind of assumed that whoever's doing this was messing with me or whatever but I'm starting to think that that may not be true... I think the only reason that anybody ever assumed that is because I'm widely-known and it kind of seemed like it would affect me more since I'm famous or whatever. I'm really worried now though because this person is posting on your account. Things that are very obviously messing with you—and sure, they were outside of my window, but you were in that room."

"Who the hell would want to do this to me, though?"

"I don't know, Camilla. Who all has grudges against you?"

"I don't know," I said after a minute of thinking. "A lot of people, really."

"Let's just go to sleep. We can worry about it tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded and followed her to the room she'd been sleeping in. She plopped down on the bed and kicked her shoes off, pulled her rings off, and took all of her chains off.

I laid down beside her and, as per usual, she laid on her stomach, halfway on top of me. I wrapped my arms loosely around her as I thought.

I bit my lip as I racked my brain. Who would hold a grudge against me that's big enough that they'd want to post that stuff?

Who would hold a grudge against me? Who would hold a grudge against me? Maybe I was asking myself the wrong question. What did I do to make somebody want to hold a grudge like this against me? I'd done a lot of stuff. I didn't fucking know.

"Go to sleep, baby," Billie mumbled into my stomach. "Worry about it tomorrow."

I sighed. "Sorry, I just cant seem to stop thinking about it. I don't think I'm gonna be able to fall asleep very soon."

"Sure, you can," she assured me, sliding her hand under my shirt and grabbing my boob. "I'll help you."

Who do you guys think it is? I don't think anybody will get it until next chapter.