Behind Closed Doors // Billie Eilish

Chapter 30

Song suggestion: That Way by Tate McRae. I don't usually do this, but I played this on repeat the entire time I was writing this chapter.

"Hey." Billie nudged me, a frown tugging at her perfect lips. "You okay?"

"Yeah. I'm fine."

She sighed, her hands sliding up her face and into her hair. "No, you're not. What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"No, really. I can tell. What's wrong? Don't hold back. I'm ready for one of your rants. Tell me exactly how you feel right now."

I sucked in a deep breath before speaking. "I'm confused, and scared, and lost, and frustrated, and so sad, and angry, but I'm only confused, and scared, and lost, and frustrated, and sad, and angry because I'm just fine." I shrugged. "It's so frustrating. I'm fine but fine is empty, and empty is crippling. I don't know what I am anymore. It's not right. I cry for no reason. I cry a lot. I have terrible thoughts and I have no idea why, because nothing's truly wrong... but it is... something's wrong and I don't know what, but also nothing's wrong and that's what's wrong! And that's all I can ever think about! And it is tearing me apart! Why the fuck am I so sad all the time, Billie, when absolutely nothing is wrong?" I sighed, my eyes glossing over. "I don't understand. How do I make it stop, Billie?"

"Wow... you were talking so fast. Ummm..." She shrugged, pursing her lips as she sighed. "I don't... I don't know," she said quietly, looking up at me with an apologetic smile.

"Every time I think it's over, the cycle just restarts. Every time I think that I'm finally back to normal, it all just comes back." I wiped my face with my hoodie sleeve as a tear rolled down my cheek.

"That's just what happens when you think too much." She laughed and then wiped her eyes. "God... fuck."

I giggled. "Why are you crying?"

"Because you're crying and I don't like seeing you upset." Her cheeks turned pink and she looked down. "And I know how it feels, and it sucks. I wish I could make it stop but I don't know how."

I laughed, although I didn't think anything was funny. I finally got it. I finally fucking understood and it took me talking about how sad I was to get it. "Oh."

"What?"

"I get it now." I looked up at her.

"Uh... what? You get what?"

"I'm probably really annoying to be around. There's always something wrong."

"Oh, God. You're so dumb. It hurts." She sighed. "You know you're a lot like an ostrich."

"What?" I raised my eyebrows. This conversation was just all over the place.

"Yeah. Ostrich's brains are only as big as their eyes. I don't even know how you think that much."

"Fuck off, Billie." I let out a small laugh and then furrowed my eyebrows, thinking back on our conversation.

"You're not annoying to be around. I wouldn't keep making you come over if you were annoying to be around."

She sighed and stood up, walking off. A few minutes later, she came back with a speaker. Music starts playing and Billie sat in a chair. I stared at the popcorn ceiling for a few minutes until I was interrupted by Billie's voice.

"Alright..." She stood up and walked towards me, holding out her hand. "May I have this dance?" she asked in a goofy, terrible attempt at a British accent.