The Inverse

- 18

PAT'S POV

I've been visiting Agnes everyday for the last two weeks and until now hindi pa rin siya nagigising. We were waiting outside the ICU nung lumabas yung doctor.

"Kumusta na po siya?"tanong ni Tita.

"Magiging honest na po kami sa inyo. Hindi ho maganda yung lagay ni Agnes. There's a high chance she won't wake up anymore. We can only hope that she recovers pero sa ngayon, from our assessment we are not confident na magigising pa siya. We're very sorry. We are trying our best and we know that Agnes is also fighting. We'd still do our best to help her."

Pagkasabi sa 'min nun nung doctor feeling ko may sumaksak sa 'kin. I feel like I ran right into a brick wall. Napaupo na lang si Tita sa upuan at tahimik na umiyak. Hindi pa rin nagsisink-in sa 'kin kung anong nangyayari. Umupo na lang din ako at umiyak. I feel so helpless. When it was already late in the evening, sinabihan ko si Tita na umuwi na muna at ako na lang ang magbabantay. Pero ayaw niyang umalis sa tabi ni Agnes. She feels like she would lose her once she leaves. But she needs to rest. Kailangan pa siya nila Lia. I've managed to convince her and she left the hospital soon after.

Pumasok na rin ako sa loob ng ICU. I still can't believe that she's here. Hinawakan ko yung kamay ni Agnes. I wish I could turn back time. I wish I could have saved you. I looked at Agnes. Agnes, wake up please. Ayokong umabot sa point na we have to decide to pull the plug on her. Hindi ko ata kakayanin.

"Agnes, love, wake up please. I'm really sorry for what happened between us. This was my fault. Wala ka sana sa sitwasyon na 'to kung hindi dahil sa 'kin. Wala akong ginawa kundi saktan ka. I'm sorry. Kasalanan ko lahat 'to. Wala ka sana dyan kung hindi dahil sa 'kin. If I held on a little bit longer to us, if I didn't do what I have done, sana wala ka dito. Agnes, please, gumising ka na." I kissed the back of her hand and pressed it on to my cheeks.

"I've already caused you too much pain. Pero I can't pass on that pain to someone else anymore. Maraming nagmamahal sa'yo. Maraming nag-aantay sa'yo, love. Kahit ako aantayin kita, just please wake up." I hugged her and as I cried I rested my head on her chest. Wag ka munang susuko Agnes please. Please stay.

If you wake up, I promise na hindi na kita guguluhin. I've already caused you too much pain. Magising ka lang promise hindi na kita sasaktan. Lalayo na ako sayo. I will stay away para hindi na kita masaktan ulit. I've already caused her too much. I don't want to pass on the pain to her family or her friends na mga nagmamahal din sa kanya. If I lose Agnes now, hindi kakayanin ng konsensya ko. I can't.

Lord promise, if Agnes wakes up, I am willing to sacrifice everything, even if that means I don't get to see her again basta magising lang siya, basta mabuhay lang siya.

Agnes, just wake up and I promise I will set things right. I will set you free so that you'd find your own happiness. Agnes, please.

I stayed there in the ICU. Ayokong i-alis yung tingin ko kay Agnes. Feeling ko na if I look away, I would lose her. When I glanced at the window, akala ko si Tita yung nakasilip but then I realized na it was Coelli. I stood up and went out. I was so overwhelmed with emotions kaya wala akong nasabi sa kanya at niyakap ko na lang siya.

"I knew I'd find you here."sabi ni Coelli. "Kumusta na si Agnes?"

"Hindi pa rin siya nagigising and the doctor told us na..." I paused. "... na may possibility na hindi na siya magising." I cried. Coelli held me tighter hanggang sa kaya ko na ulit i-compose yung sarili ko. We both sat down and I just kept staring at the floor. I feel numb and I feel exhausted.

"Alam mo bang she was intoxicated kaya siya naaksidente? Alam mo bang this was my fault. Ako yung dahilan kung bakit nagkaganito siya." I told her.

"Coelli nakikita mo ba 'to? This is where my mistake has led me. Kasalanan ko lahat 'to. It was a mistake. I made a big mistake. Pero wala na 'kong magawa eh. I can't take back what happened."

"Pat, I share the blame. Don't be too hard on yourself. Kung tutuusin ako pa nga nagsimula ng lahat ng to. Kung tutuusin ako yung nagkamali talaga."

"You didn't want to agree nung sinabi ko yung plano ko. You never wanted that. I can tell from your eyes na you didn't want too. But I know you wanted to escape the pain so much and I took advantage of it. Kaya I'm sorry Pat. Alam ko rin na you didn't know how to let me down kaya ka pumayag na magpakasal kasi ayaw mo kong mapahiya eh. People were watching us. I know all you wanted was to save me from the embarassment."dagdag niya.

"Coelli hindi naman sa ganon. I really thought I was ready to let go. I really thought na okay na ako. I really just thought na baka wala na talaga kami ni Agnes kasi it's been a year since we stopped seeing each other and though there were days na naiisip ko pa rin siya, pero when I made the decision of marrying you it was the same time I've finally decided to let her go."

"Pero you never let her go naman eh, di ba Pat?"she asked. I looked at her. There's this pain in her eyes.

"You never did. Kahit naman engaged na tayo, I still feel like I am still sharing a part of you with Agnes. You never tell me and I never told you, but you're actually talking in your sleep. You would actually call me Agnes randomly whenever I check on you kapag madaling araw pa lang. When I wake you up there's this sandess in your face kasi hindi si Agnes ang nasa tabi mo. Pat, you were never over Agnes. You were just under the idea that you are and I get that now and I understand. Masakit sa kin pero, it's hard for me to admit but that's what I see. Sometimes I wish I'm wrong." She sighed and we kept quiet. Hinawakan ni Coelli yung kamay ko.

"If she recovers, if she gets better, I'm letting you take care of her. Kasi even if I stop you I know that's what you want to do. But when she's okay, you need to honor your promises with me Pat. You need to. Im sorry, pero nangako ka pa rin sa 'kin and I'm still holding on to that."sabi niya.

"I will keep my promises Coelli. And I've made a bargain for myself once Agnes wakes up. Once she does, I'll keep my promises to you."